Tree-Hugging Spotlight!

Jennifer at Tree Hugging Family requested pictures from her readers when she started the blog. I happened to do just that!

My little man, or son, depending on perspective, has been flashed upon her blog. While I offered up pictures that are from a recent fishing trip we took, I have many more to share.



Jaden has spent many days on the Turner ranch, just outside of Evanston, Wyoming. His adventures with cattle are great. This picture was taken in the heart of winter as he was able to ride along and feed the cows first hand, or barrel.

Now, there's no trip out to the ranch without the chance to ride on a horse, right? Jaden has had his adventures upon his favorite, Buck, who is just over 20 years old and a barrel racing champion. One tender horse!



While in the same part of the state, Jaden and I can often be found at Bear River State Park. It's a fantastic area in the spring, summer and fall. Personally, I've never ventured out there in the heart of winter as a cup of warm cocoa sounds a bit more inviting.

This particular trip included a great deal of wind. Pardon the wind-blown hair styles.









And yes, occasionally Mom gets in the picture as well.



The Casper, Wyoming area is home to some small but beautiful waterfalls. I spent a great deal of time there while pregnant with Jaden and shared in that area after the weather warmed just after his first birthday.





The outdoor adventures for this family come often. Jaden loves spending time outside and helping to clean up trash too!

Thanks again to Jennifer for sharing photo's of Jaden! I hope you enjoy seeing a bit more of Jaden's adventures.

Don't forget to head over to see me on my new blog!

A Long Time in the Making

There was a time when blogging wasn't popular and didn't fall into the cool, hip or rad categories. I, myself, blogged during that time! I've managed to run approximately 9 different blogs in that time. Some were around for a very lengthy time and others lasted only a few short months. Some were abandoned due to their personal nature, while others ended up finding their way to a password and user protected blog. So what's the point you ask? I've finally opted to combine some of those blogs into one large blog. There are still a few other's I must scan through prior to incorporating certain posts, but they have been combined, nonetheless.

You can find my grand blog here. I do hope that you will stop by and take a peek. I'm sure there are a few things you'd be shocked to find!

busy

My last two days have been filled with TONS of activities! I have deep cleaned the kitchen, living room, my closet and Jaden's closet. I've reorganized all the cabinets and in the process eliminated two bags of garbage from this place. I still have a few rooms and closets to go; but it's starting to feel much better in here - and more organized!

I have pretty well finished up the painting in the bathroom and have begun to put it back together. I'm not sure what I'll do with the ability to use a toilet paper holder again!! I'll finish that up in the morning.

I've applied for a few different jobs - in and out of the home. Tomorrow leaves a few other things to care for in that department, but all in all, not too bad.

I've managed to prepare supper and have it on the table by 5 pm the last two nights as well. (We're up at 330 am, so 5pm is supper here!) My kitchen, surprisingly, is still clean! HORRAY!

Tomorrow I'm going to begin tackling the hallway. It's not going to be a fun one to paint, but it's become painfully obvious that I'm going to have to get the ball rolling on finishing up the painting in this place. If Momma doesn't do it; it ain't gettin' done!

So that's about it on my end. I've also done tons of job searching for my site and managed to have job leads posted by 9am! huge feat in itself there!

I hope everyone else is having a fantastically productive week as well! Humpday is officially over in my world and it's time to sleep... if the three year old will tire, that is!

Falling

It's an amazing time of year when the refreshing cool arctic air begins to push downward, bringing a season of extraordinary color changes, quickly consumed with fluffy white flakes.

fall is one of my two favorite seasons out of the year. I cherish seeing the vivid colors and the reminder of the cycle of life. Festive holidays are abound!

This year, I'm falling into fall with my whole heart! Here are a few things I look forward to:

1. Breaking out sweaters and wearing them with jeans and boots. The most comfortable clothing I can dream of wearing!
2. Building fires in the fireplace and snuggling in with a good book or a great movie!
3. Family! This season brings out a strong commitment to family and spending that quality time with them is amazing!
4. Holiday preparation! For those who know me, I've not been so fond of the holidays since Reiley died, but this year, I absolutely cannot wait for them to arrive! I plan on dressing in Halloween best with my son, trick-or-treating; baking until my hearts content for Thanksgiving and Christmas, with shopping galore and excited looks gleaming across the faces of everyone as they see just what surprise has been left for them under the tree.
5. Snowmen! Although our falls are short-lived, I can't wait to get out and build a fantastic snowman with my son!

It's going to be an absolutely amazing end of the year! I look forward to every single activity and event we can manage to find!

What are your plans for fall/winter? Are there any little things that you are excitingly anticipating?

Web Design

So I've been toying around with a new web design for pewam.com. I'm learing a fun program in the process. It's actually quite neat to see just what a program is capable of doing!! It will be interesting to see what design I come up with and implement! I'll announce those changes here!

Feeling the Sadness

It's painfully obvious that I will have to return to the working force outside of my home at this point.  With all that has transpired in recent days involving the lack of pay from the magazine, I have to seek out childcare and find a position elsewhere.  I'm devastated. 

I think I realized tonight just how important it is for me to be an active part of my son's life.  He's loved having me home, even when I've been crabby and irritable with my stress levels as high as they were.  I've enjoyed that time too, even though I've had moments where I've wanted to rip my hair out and beg for a moment of peace. 

Can I tell you just how much I enjoy when he pops into the bathroom while I'm taking a shower and sits there to talk to me?  Goodness, it's so awesome.  Jaden is growing up so quickly, and I cherish each and every moment that I have with him.  I don't want to lose those moments, and I will when I step out of the house and go work in a different building, leaving my son to be cared for by someone else.

Tomorrow begins the quest to find a position elsewhere.  :(

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A Tidbit of Information

I took a position at the end of August with Animal Fair.  The position called for a Web Editor with HTML experience.  I responded to the ad with a short query letter as I was actually curious if they would allow for a telecommuting position.  The following morning, I received an email from the owner of the company, which resulted in numerous communications back and forth, ending with a job offer.

I began working that same day.  I was overwhelmed at first with the mass amounts of information that was delivered; but worked through it and began making the updates and changes necessary. 

The days passed by and Ms. D was becoming more frustrated as there was an article coming out in Forbes where she discussed the launch of her new site.  That site was not completed and she wanted it done months ago.  Her demands for working countless hours adjusting this item or that, making specific updates and the like.  It was becoming an issue with my family as I was up early in the morning and working well into the night.  After she opted to terminate the programmer (which I am not), she wanted to know if I could do certain things.  I can do things related to HTML, however, PHP is a different story - and what her new site is coded in.

With a new programmer in toe, options were offered as to the direction of her site.  She opted to go with one option; and changed it mid-stream.  Her inability to wait and follow through with the course of action she decided upon was the downfall to our business relationship. 

As the week has progressed, I've received quite a few emails from her in regards to the site.  I'm now facing having to fight for my wages, which has left me highly unhappy with the entire situation. 

As a warning to those out there, don't apply for any position calling for a web editor without first contacting me with the ad.  If the ad states in any fashion, "New website launch need someone to check all our pages, make sure we launch with great editorial! Pop culture, celebrities, animals, travel, chefs! Fun content! Please send us your resume, why you are the right person and be able to start asap!"  This is for the same company and is not recommended in any manner!!

Ahhhhhh

So it's been a crazy few weeks, to say the least. I've taken on a job that is fantastic in and of itself, but there is someone that is making the work near unbearable. Tomorrow will mark the "final" discussion about the position and what will transpire. I will, of course, offer more information about all of that after an agreement is reached - or not.

I also spoke with a company I do some regular work for - but haven't had a set contract for payment. I will be working on drawing that one up tomorrow - as well as one for the aforementioned position if my conditions are met.

On to the personal stuff - We took a fantastic trip this weekend past out to Curt Gowdy State Park. I took over 100 photo's from our fishing expedition and birthday celebration. The trip came just in time before fall weather set in. Hopefully we will be able to take one more day trip out that way in the coming weeks. I'd love to spend the day hiking in the area. Truly breath taking! (Okay, I keep talking. I promise I'll share some pictures!!)

Speaking of pictures, I do have some before/after pictures I need to get posted for the Extreme Home Makeover Edition that took place in the area. I also need to hound a friend of mine about getting my explosion footage to me! I won't be posting any information or interviews with the family - as they are under a strict no-talk agreement until the show airs. Once I have a confirmation of that date, I will be able to post an interview and possible pictures of the inside. Legal stuff - totally understandable.

I guess that's about it for now. I will get back to posting more now. Oh - and just so you know... my second blog is gone - sort of! I started my own dot com this week with information there and more information that I've collected. You can view the entire site at http://www.pewam.com

Farewell for now!

Heartfelt Movie

Imagination. Innovation. Inspiration.

After thirteen years of Nowata High School Football losses, the mayor starts a petition for the team's running to come to an end. Will Clark, played by Mac Davis, sets out to save the once great team.

After the new season should have started, Will begins broadcasting imaginary sports cast over the radio. The town unites in the inspiration! With Nowata High winning the State Championship game; they are faced to play the 'real' champions.

Heart warming and inspirational! Winners never quit and quitters never win!

A Personal Situation- Update

As I haven yet to update on this situation, and people are inquiring to know, I figured that would be best, today.

Fortunately, I had taken on a new job on Tuesday, so when he did show up on Wednesday, I was extremely busy, working. I was on a major crunch time with deadlines, so they stayed for about 15 minutes and then went to check into his hotel. He called a few hours later and asked if we were ready to go to dinner, and I told him I was extremely busy, so he said he would come by about 630 for a short while.

Rob was home by that time, which brought added comfort to me. I had discussed with Rob all the feelings I had towards his insisting to be here, etc. We left in separate vehicles and met at the restaurant. I let my son be the center of attention, moving back and forth in the table. He was a fantastic distraction for Gary, and kept him pretty quiet most of the meal.

Food arrived, we ate, and then shared just a few words; nothing including poor language choices and we went our separate ways.

Fortunately, the visit was short, very short. He didn't push the proverbial thumb and although I was completely worked up, he wasn't able to pull me down.

Just a little Update

I took a position with Animal Fair and my schedules completely haywire! I should settle down into a good routine this week and I'll get back to the regular postings.

Just a tip - No one ever said working from home would be easy!!!

A Personal Situation

I don't have the greatest past, and avoid contact with one person as he still leaves my skin crawling. He's passing through town and is making it blatantly obvious, with the numerous phone calls over the past four days, that he will be making his way here and will be stopping, no matter what reasoning I give him otherwise.

I am angry and frustrated. I don't like for people just to stop by at my home, and unless I want someone in my home, I don't appreciate them taking it upon themselves to find their way here.

So who is this person and why, if I really can't stand him, does he know my address and phone number?

This person would be my 'father.' Better described as the man who adopted me when I was eight, claims to be my father, yet still, somehow, likes to force himself into my life and cause disruption in any way possible.

The only reason he wants to stop by is to meet my other half, as Cheyenne is on his way to see his 'real' son in Indiana. He wants to stretch his fatherly thumb down when he's been far from an active part in MY life since about the time my mother passed away in 2001. For that matter, the last time he saw his grandson was the last trip I took to Evanston; when my younger brother had his first child over a year ago.

He's committed to being here sometime Wednesday afternoon and wants to take us out to dinner. Horray, said in a very sarcastic manner as I rolled my eyes.

So, I'm curious... Is it possible to change my phone number and move in two days?

Revamp and Redirection

This blog has become cluttered. Yes. Cluttered! I have had it with wanting to go so many directions, covering multiple topics and disrupting the flow of this blog, because of that, I created a new blog which turned into it's very own dot-com! My new site is dedicated to providing information for proofreaders, editors, writers, and more (work from home job opportunities, telemarketing, and the list continues.) You can visit PEWAM at http://www.pewam.com.

Be forewarned, this place is about to undergo some serious revamping! I'll offer topics covered in this post, which will always be viewable first!

I look forward to spending more time covering everything that tickles your fancy in an organized manner!

Extreme Makeover: Update

I was blessed with the opportunity to travel out to the Extreme Makeover Site again yesterday. We (my son and I) were there during part of the filming for the "move that bus" segment. We had too much to accomplish before days end to stay until the final reveal after 5 pm yesterday.

I do have many pictures and even a video to share, but I will make you all sit waiting for a few more days as I'm gathering much information and quotes from individuals.

Update: Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

As promised, I did drive out to "Project 507", Cheyenne, WY Extreme Makeover site.



While I was there, I took a few pictures of the place.

















So now that you've had your viewing pleasure, I'll give you the exciting news! I pulled around following the street and came back up. I parked along side of the road and got out of my car to speak with the security guard. I asked a few important questions, watched the workers go by, discussed a few key people in the company (all women by the way) and acquired some much needed information.

The grand reveal will be Friday and when I return later today or tomorrow to snap more pictures, I will be given the time window of the reveal so I can be present for the event!

There are more posts to come about the exciting events transpiring on Four Mile Road in Cheyenne, Wyoming. One of them being video of the explosion that took the original house down!

Extreme Makeover, Pictures

ABC's hit show, Extreme Makeover, is in Cheyenne! They have destroyed a house riddled with radon and are well under way of building an entirely new home in its place. The Miller family residing on the 20 acre lot, purchased the home with the intentions of creating an animal shelter. Due to the health issues from the radon exposure, their plans have yet to come to fruitation. Extreme Makeover star, Ty Pennington, did one up in designing the home for the Miller's. Not only did he design an enormous house to replace their moderate one, he has also designed a 1700 square foot area for the animals needing help.

I drove by the site, as close as possible before reaching security directing traffic away, and took a few pictures. I do not have a before image, unfortunately. Here are the pictures I took this evening.

View from the back.

You can see the top of the house over the design tents and trailers.

Distant View of the whole property. The new house is well under construction with two days left to build and get it together.
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Another view of the house, zoomed in.

Building constructed on the side for an animal sanctuary. That construction is complete on the outside.


I am going to attempt to drive by again tomorrow now that it will be easier to find. I will update with additional photos as they come available.

Mysti

ABC's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Cheyenne, Wyoming is the temporary home of Extreme Makeover Design Team Ty Pennington, Paige Hemmis, Paul DiMeo, Ed Sanders, Eduardo Xol, Michael Moloney, Preston Sharp, Tanya McQueen, Tracy Hutson, and John Littlefield.

The Miller's 20 acre lot of land was purchased in hopes of creating a sanctuary for animals, yet has posed a life threatening issue for all. Radon, an odorless radioactive gas, fills the home.

Carter Brothers Construction, of Cheyenne, was selected to provide the manpower for the project. Their website offers a few photos as well as some information about the Millers and why they were selected.

I will travel out to the general area tomorrow and try to capture a few pictures myself!

"Please bring it back."

As my son is playing with a train set that Santa delivered over Christmas, he began asking for his tracks that go with his trains. Those tracks, as I tried desperately to explain to him, were broken while I was playing with them and I threw them away. He quickly replied, "Please bring it back." I, again, tried to explain that I couldn't go get them. They went out to the big trash and went to the dump. He quirked, "Will you PLEASE get your sandals on and go get them. PLEASE!"

The conversation continued with his questioning of this item and that; all of which had been discarded to appropriate places.

Fortunately I have a bright three year old. Unfortunately he doesn't quite understand that once something leaves the house, it is not retrievable.

Fancy a Story or Two??

One of the forums I visit is geared towards parents. As I created my signature to be attached to all posts I make, I opted to do something a bit different. I created a story to follow suit with my introductory post on the forum.

I travel here from a Kingdom far away. I am the Mother-Queen to Mini-King Jaden. I spend my days home, yet busily proofing and editing copy for the grandest trade magazine tailored to Real Estate Agents and REALTORS®. When work fails to call my every moment, grand adventures fill the moments allowed. Father-King-In-The-Making; Rob, Mother-Queen; me, and Mini-King; Jaden, enjoy the opportunity to quest at near-by Castles inhabited by the Royal Family. The occasional outing to the grassy knolls adds a small amount of spice to our summer lives. With the season change fast approaching our royal lives, the chilling air will allow for castles of Ice to be built midst the warming light from above. A fire-pit enclosed in hard stone, shall offer warmth and many moments for this family of three.

Respectfully offered as introduction to the Royal Family,

Mother-Queen Mysti

My signature reads:

In a Kingdom far away, a castle was built with precision. The bright colors reflected the mind of the King, a very young king. He worked for hours to have the Castle just right, encompassing all he saw within his minds eye. Success was found and pictures were taken to remember the greatness that developed through hard work and perseverance.

And through this process, I have created a story for a dear friend, who's daughter is sure to be a princess and her son, a dragon.

Thunder crashed and lightning struck the ground. Princess Jenna, while startled, unsheathed her sword. She knew the dark forces were near. The bushes rustled behind her and she heard a loud breath. Spinning around she called for the beast to present itself. A young dragon, JT, emerged and offered his help to restore peace and tranquility to the kingdom. Leary to start, Princess Jenna's questions were soon put to rest when Dragon JT saved her life by breathing fire and crisping the group sent to attack. Their journey continues into the deep, dark forest where the evil Black Sorceress Caroness resides...

It's been great fun writing simple little stories to go with pictures of our children. A different approach to writing for fun!

The Spill

Upon awakening this morning, I ventured to the living room only to discover an entire glass of water was being soaked up with the magazine proof I need to finish by tomorrow. I've salvaged what was possible and will copy notes and edit marks from those that are readable, however about 1/4 of what I've worked so hard on must be redone.

Working from home has fantastic opportunities for parents, until the deadline is fast approaching and a spill is mopped up by a three-year-old with the project at hand.

Mind over Matter

It was a sweltering spring day in Texas. I was participating in the middle school track and field events. Running had been a strong suit for me and I was sure I would succeed and earn the blue ribbon, a prize I would cherish.

The events seemed to take forever to complete. I did fairly well on the long jump, sprinted ahead of the pack in the quarter mile and then I stood in line for the high jump. I was far from thrilled about this event and wanted to give up before it even started. One of the girls standing beside me, Kim, offered a bit of a challenge. She piqued my interest with the challenge.

Kim towered over me, standing about 5'10”; compared to my 5'5. She was a couple years older than I was. I questioned if I could compete against her, but since she challenged; I was going to go for it!

One by one, we all took turns, sprinting down the lane and jumping as high as we could over the bar that increased inch by inch. We started at a mere three feet. Kim and I kept egging one another on in a very lighthearted manner through our intervals of waiting. Before I knew it, I was having more fun in that competition than I had running - and I took the blue ribbon in that event!

I stopped listening to the coach as he told us the new height. I looked at the measurements at the start of each race and noted what I thought was the five foot, one inch mark. I knew I could clear that easily and made my sprinting start. I approached the bar and jumped with all my might, stretching out and over the bar; landing on the soft matting without so much as a clip of the bar.

Kim followed me and I watched as her body was so gracefully lifted off the ground and over the bar, just as I had done. The competition was limited in numbers by that point. No one else cleared the bar that round. I felt proud in that moment and then I heard the coach say he was increasing the bar by one inch.

I heard the announcement of “six foot” and thought it was quite a large jump increase from my last jump. I mentioned something to Kim and she smiled and took off sprinting down the track. I watched her clear the bar, but she tapping it. The bar wobbled, but stayed put. I knew clearing this height would be a challenge.

I took a deep breath and focused on the bar. I tried to envision it shorter than it was, but the height kept ringing in my mind. I took off sprinting and jumped with even more force than I had before. I began to rise and over the bar I went, taking it down with my foot dragging too low.

When I got off the mat, I asked the coach what height I had cleared. With a very surprised look on his face, he said it was five foot, eleven inches. My best height was six-inches taller than I!

I took second place in that competition. Many years later, I know that the greatest life lesson learned during that race was mind over matter. I cleared that bar at five-foot, eleven inches because I was sure it was only five-foot, one inch.

Looking at life now, I follow that same approach. There is nothing I can’t accomplish if I visualize my goals at an attainable level.

Creepy, Crawly and Not-So-Welcomed

As I jumped in the shower, my son kept running back into the bathroom to tell me that the UPS man was at the door. My son, in his wisdom of three-years-old, decided he would open the door and invite the said stranger into my home. Luckily, the driver opted not to take my son's inappropriate invitation.

As I quickly jumped out of the shower, praying my son did not open the door, I was greeted by one of those not-so-welcomed arachnids. After an unsuccessful attempt to squash the bugger, he darted and hid in the corner. A quick reach for a spray bottle of cleaner allowed me the opportunity to put an end to the threatening arachnid without damaging his freakishly large body.

I did a quick search on-line to ensure that the gruesome creature was not a hobo spider; of great concern as their venom is comparable to that of a brown recluse. In that search, I discovered this particular spider is neither of those, however, it's possibly the one who has caused much disruption to my legs in recent months.

Although I'm not an avid fan of taking out any of God's creatures, spiders have become my foe rather quickly this summer with countless bites occurring on my legs while sleeping. My home is now one spider less, and that, my dear readers, is a welcomed feeling.

Proofreader Anyone??

I am notorious for scanning the freelance ads for various companies on a couple different sites. Today I came across an ad for a national chain seeking a proofreader. In about twenty minutes, I tore their ad apart and sent it back to them for their review. I noted that I don't live in the general area in which they are seeking an employee, however, casually mentioned that I do work from home doing editing for BAN as well as freelance as projects come available.

I have to bring this forward, however. In the layout of their job ad, they have a table format listing experience required, pay, etc. The first issue standing out against a red background was "Experiance." Just for the record - Experiance is not spelled with an "A" it does contain an "E," as in E-X-P-E-R-I-E-N-C-E.

Thought of the day: Post nothing viewable to the public to scrutinize unless you undoubtedly know there are no serious issues.

Reflections

Life is an amazing experience. There are events that transpire every day. While some I can recall with great clarity, others seem to vanish midst my memory until someone or something comes along and brings that memory to surface once again.

A few nights ago, at work, I was standing in the well of the bar and a gentleman sitting next to my well struck up a conversation. I do not recall the first words that he said to me, but the discussion of my eye color (or colors more accurately stated) happened. He made a statement that caught me off guard, a reference to Angels and their presence in our lives.

It was that reference that brought with it a flash of memories from a few times in my life. I continued our conversation although I was distracted and unable to grasp what all he had stated at that point.

I went about my work and when I returned to that area of the bar, he was gone... only after leaving a message for me to email him, as he would like to continue our conversation.

The memories that surfaced in my life have played a huge part in my own spirituality and faith.

The first memory I remember is nearly drowning in a swimming pool. I was wearing a strawberry shortcake swimsuit and I took a step off the stairs and found myself immobilized. I felt so comfortable and warm in the water. I remember looking up towards the sky and all I could see was a while light. I did not want to move. I was perfectly content and not even concerned about breathing.

I remember rising out of the water by hands below me and forced out of the state of comfort and peace. I remember gasping for air. It was that moment of coming out of the water; the memories of discontent, discomfort and frustration began and continued throughout my life with the events that transpired thereafter.

It was many years later, just before Reiley, my first child, died that I can recall the second incident this conversation brought forward in my mind.

I was sitting in the chair at the computer; frustrated with the entire situation I was living. I could not deal with controlling actions by someone else and felt trapped in all the responsibility that weighed on my shoulders. I was on the verge of crying when I saw her.

From the corner of the vaulted ceiling, a woman, appearing to be in her 30's made her decent. She had soft curls around her round face, appearing to be very healthy and a bit heavy set. She was in a blue dress with a flowing bell shaped skirt. There was a ribbon in a slightly lighter shade of blue that wrapped around her waist that flattered her figure well. She stretched her hand out towards me and said everything would be okay and what was about to occur was part of my life plan. She assured me that I would be okay and to keep my faith. There was a plan for me.

The next few months were challenging to say the least. The years after those events proved to be even more difficult.

The third and final account this conversation brought to the surface of my mind was my suicide attempt in June 2001.

I remember all of the negative emotions and thoughts that surrounded all I was feeling. Even though I knew there would be a few people who would miss me, I still said my good-byes and intended to end my life - right then.

I began taking pills, by the handful. I opened Pepsi after Pepsi and consumed them as quickly as I could. I cried at how horrible my life was and how much I missed my son. I thought of the treatment I received by someone who said he loved me and those thoughts brought a sense of resolution in my actions, my choice.

It was hours later when I awoke. I remember the gray that surrounded me. The feelings of indecisiveness swirled inside. I remember feeling love at the same time. I remember seeing this angel during that time. Her dress was silver, with layers and layers of a rippled fabric. Some areas were of deeper and richer shades of silver while other areas accented and filled with light and brightness. The bodice reminded me of an old English style dress, similar to that of the Elizabethan Era. A white lace stretched outside of her beautiful gown just above her bust. I remember feeling mesmerized by the incredible beauty that radiated from her.

She spoke with me and offered her support through my staying and continuing my tasks in life. There were details that she spoke about almost in a way of convincing me that my time was not complete. She pointed me back to the couch where my body laid and in an instant, I awoke.

I picked up the phone and called my mom. I reached out to her in an attempt to find strength to do what was necessary. She convinced me to call the police and call her back. I did just that and stayed in the hospital for three days until I returned home.

I have had some amazing experiences in my life. It amazes me at how quickly they were thrown to the far reaches of my memory and yet, with a very simple conversation, those experiences were brought back to the surface with a great intensity. Life and reflections of those past occurrences allows an amazing moment to recharge and understand where I have been and how far I have traveled since.

"Just Hit Send"

There's a great little place on the web for those writing and even those wanting to get a jump into a writing career. Residing within the virtual walls of the forum, one can find hundreds of people with amazing knowledge of the writing world - from all aspects.

The freelance forum of AbsoluteWrite had a fantastic motivating thread for those branching out on their own to complete work for many sources. Magazines, companies, blogs and more are just part of the work some users do.

If you have a spare moment and want some extra support and encouragement to accomplish your writing goals, I'd definitely stop by and say hello! I'll be happy to offer all the support you could ever desire (when I'm not busily writing, that is.)

A Castle for A King

The imagination of children never ceases to amaze me. The untouched innocence and imagination is spectacular!

This morning, my son, Jaden brought out his tub of blocks and eagerly wanted to build a rocket and a castle. Off to the living room floor I went with much anticipation of the breaking down of what we were going to build.







These blocks have been part of Jaden's life since he could grasp them. Once used for gross motor skill development; they've found their new place with fine motor skill development and more importantly, a key to the imagination of my son's mind.

The American Past Time - Barry Bonds

Written in 1908 by Jack Norworth, Albert Von Tilzer set the lyrics to music and the song has become one of the most widely known songs in America.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Nelly Kelly loved baseball games,
Knew the players, knew all their names,
You could see her there ev'ry day,
Shout "Hurray" when they'd play.
Her boy friend by the name of Joe
Said, "To Coney Isle, dear, let's go,"
Then Nelly started to fret and pout,
And to him I heard her shout.

"Take me out to the ball game,
Take me out with the crowd.
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack,
I don't care if I never get back,
Let me root, root, root for the home team,
If they don't win it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out,
At the old ball game."

Nelly Kelly was sure some fan,
She would root just like any man,
Told the umpire he was wrong,
All along, good and strong.
When the score was just two to two,
Nelly Kelly knew what to do,
Just to cheer up the boys she knew,
She made the game sing this song.

Take me out to the ball game
Take me out to the crowd
Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack
I don't care if I ever get back
'Cause it's root, root, root for the home team
If they don't win it's a shame
'Cause it's one, two, three strikes your out
At the old ball game

Many know the song. For those who fell in love with baseball; that song will sing in their hearts at each game and each major accomplishment achieved by an athlete.

"There's no crying in baseball![1]" With the exception of someone making such amazing strides and surpasses one of the most known and favorite players of all time, Babe Ruth in home runs. Barry Bonds accomplished that feat August 4, 2007 in the second inning.

Barry Bonds, under much scrutiny for steroid use, has left an amazing mark in the record books of baseball! Although many question the validity of his accomplishments during his 21-year baseball career, Barry Bonds has still stood at the plate and hit 2,912 balls[2] and 755 of those were home runs.

Barry Bonds has numerous other records as well.[2]

• Barry Bonds holds record for most home runs in a season (73)
• Barry Bonds holds record for most walks in a career (2,539)
• Barry Bonds holds record for most MVP awards (7)
• Barry Bonds is the only player in 400 home run and 400 stolen base club
• Barry Bonds is the only player in 500 home run and 500 stolen base club
• Barry Bonds holds record for most consecutive seasons with .600 slugging percentage or higher (8)

Relationship Do's and Not-To-Do's

A friend of mine posted this on her private blog. I felt it was definitely worthy of sharing here, too.

Do's

1. Communicate. Communication is important. If you find that when you try to communicate your feelings to your partner it always leads to an argument, try writing your feelings down. Read through what you've written. If you find things that are just petty problems with no real validity, eliminate them. Try to find the sources behind your words. For example, jealousy, are you jealous because you know he/she is cheating, or does it go deeper? Did someone cheat on you in the past and now you don't trust anyone? Is your partner giving you what you need to feel secure? Once you realize where the feelings are coming from, you can address fixing the problem.
   
   
2. Resist making accusations. Approach your partner calmly, without being defensive. Tell him/her the problem. Don't be accusing or they will become defensive and yes, you will end up in an argument. If you find it's easier to write it in a letter, then do so. Leave while they read it so you aren't hovering over them, waiting for their reaction. Let them process what you have said. Again, do not be accusing. Tell them you want to make your relationship better. Have suggestions for BOTH of you, not just them. Be sure you know the core problem and aren't just mentioning a symptom.
   
   
3. Refrain from insulting your partner during arguments. Fighting dirty can quickly become a habit and eventually someone will say something that the other person cannot forget, or worse, forgive.
   
   
4. Take time to tell your partner why you love him/her. Not once, but often. This can be something as small as a compliment on how they look. Your partner needs to know you appreciate them. Don't just assume they know. Everyone likes to be reminded they are loved.
   
   
5. Be supportive and look for ways to give your partner the things they need the most. Even if they don't tell you what they need, you can figure it out if you pay attention. Some people have a hard time telling you what they need but there are clues. If you're not sure, ask.
   
   
6. Don't neglect yourself. If your needs aren't being met, find a way to let your partner know. If you are unhappy, you will eventually blame your partner. It's much easier to let them know, in a positive way, the things you need.
   
   
7. Never try to solve a problem when you are angry. Take time to cool down. I know this can seem impossible at times but think about it. Is anything ever really solved when you are yelling at each other?
   
   
8. Set aside some time for just the two of you. If not once a week, then at least once a month. This should be quality, alone time, however you two choose to spend it. You might try arranging a specific day each week and take turns planning what you will do.
   
   
9. Discuss decisions that affect the both of you and try to find a solution that will keep you both happy. Never make an important decision that affects you both without talking to your partner.
   
   
10. Don't Lie! Everyone lies occasionally. It's in our nature. This isn't an excuse to lie to your partner. Every time you are caught in a lie, a little more trust is taken away. A healthy relationship requires trust. Never ever lie about things important to the relationship. You're better off facing the music if you've done something wrong then being caught in a lie.
    
    
11. This won't keep you together but it is important to mention. Know when it's time to leave and make the break.Don't let anyone use you or abuse you. Most problems can be worked out if both people in the relationship make an effort to improve things. There are some exceptions. It's time to leave if the relationship becomes abusive. Do not hope things will get better because he/she says they will change. Leave! If at some future time they actually do change, you can consider getting back together then. Another deal breaker is infidelity. If your partner cheats on you, there is a good chance that even if you do stay together, the trust that keeps a relationship alive will be gone. I'm not saying you can't survive it, but it will take a great deal of effort from both people and your partner will have to stop. Never give them more than one chance to do so or you will be setting yourself up for a very destructive emotional roller coaster. If your partner sees that it's possible to cheat and you will keep forgiving, why would they change?

Not-To-Do's

Let's take a look at five styles of handling conflict, along with alternative solutions for each.

Ready-Fire-Aim

These folks are the shooters of conflict. They live by the motto "cross me and you will pay." Instead of ready-aim-fire, they shoot first and ask questions later. This style causes lots of damage and usually serves to isolate the shooter.

Alternative solution: In the words of Stephen Covey, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." If you take the time to understand someone and that person's point of view, it's a whole lot easier to keep your shooter in its holster.

Crock potters

They let a conflict simmer for a while. Sometimes it can be as harmless as needing to mull things over before handling conflict. At their worst, crock potters simmer and seethe, building resentments, blowing up, or both.

Alternative solution: It can be healthy and productive to mull it over before you respond in a conflict. Instead of allowing it to boil over, agree on a time you will sit down together and calmly address the conflict.

Me right/you wrong

This style of conflict really is as primitive as Tarzan. People who hold tightly to the right to be right can go to just about any length to prove they are right, even to the point of ending the relationship.

Alternative solution: Punt. Give up the right to be right. Check out what you might be able to learn from the other point of view, which might even be as valid as your own. Shocking, I realize, but highly possible. The simple truth is that in marriage there are times when you can be right or be happy, but not both.

Tomb-ers

They elevate the infamous silent treatment to an art form. Conflict arises and they shut down. When you ask what's wrong, their reply is either "nothing" or "everything's fine," but you know better.

Alternative solution: Usually tomb-ers have a strong fear of conflict, believing that any conflict will end the relationship. Quite the opposite is true _ not dealing with the conflict can kill the relationship from within. Here are some words to begin with: "Can I tell you what I'm uncomfortable with here?"

Historians

They remember every fault, mistake and blunder ever made by their partner, including what was said, what you wore and where you were standing at the time. And, they're more than willing to remind you, in detail.

Alternative solution: Get a dry-erase board. Write the current conflict on the blank board. Deal with it. Resolve it. Erase it. Over, done with, gone.

"The Super Sleuths are on the Case"

For anyone with children who are into the Disney channel, that slogan is all too familiar! In my household, however, I have to be the "Super Sleuth."

Today’s case: The Missing Jack Daniels® Tank-Top

Last Seen: Sometime last week during the blazing hot temperatures; worn for an afternoon then removed in the bathroom prior to showering (Yes, I do take showers!)

Imminent Need: I must wear this shirt to work tonight or risk having to dress in the dreaded black shirts and black shirts with cowboy boots that leave blisters on various parts of my feet

The problem: My three-year-old son is notorious for misplacing objects throughout the house. Aside from my structure in organization with business matters, the rest of my house seems to lack that same structure.

Action Taken: As I have now searched this place from top to bottom, I have yet to find the missing shirt. My only hope; it happened to make it into the laundry basket and into the washer before I received the call.

Continuing Course of Action: Wait out the washer and pray to the Gods above that my shirt will suddenly reappear and save my ever-loving butt!

Product Review: Nad's

I have always been one of those ladies who absolutely hates to shave her legs! In light of that wonderful piece of insight about myself; I have a product review for all the women out there!

Product Name: Nad's Hands Free Hair Removal Cream

Smell: It could smell worse, but comes close to burning the hairs out of my nose. 3/10

Ease of Use: If you consider the product is meant to be hands free; the sheer fact that I ended up with hair removal cream under my finger nails says it all. The bottle is difficult to squeeze, awkward to hold and the product is thicker than most hair removal creams. 2/10


Results: At the end of 5 minutes, as directed, hair was not even close to being ready for removal. I waited the additional five minutes and was able to remove about 1/2 of the hair on my legs. The tattoo on my ankle (now seven years old) is raised as if it is a fresh tattoo after using this product, however. (1/10)

This is one product I would definitely not recommend for anyone to use. The time and aggravation is worse than having a bikini wax done.

Do you have it?

Initiative: The power or ability to begin or to follow through energetically with a plan or task; enterprise and determination.

Have you sat and wondered why some people take initiative while others find themselves to be stagnant? I often question why individuals believe that taking no action, stagnancy, is the correct action.

There are some individuals I've met in my life that believe that it's okay to mooch off another. They feel, for some reason or another, that it is perfectly okay to cause disruption in the lives of those around them instead of bettering themselves and their families.

There is much to be said for an individual taking the initiative to better themselves and their lives. It doesn't take much effort to get started and when you do, the feeling of worth prompts you to move forward. One small action starts a snow-ball effect; leading to great change!

If you are one who works diligently and deliberately to ensure a better life for yourself and your family; I commend you! If you are one who lacks the initiative in your life and feels it's better to wait and see; I hope you'll light a fire in your own life and better yourself before those around you view you as much less than you really are...

Horrible Behavior calls for Drastic Measures

As I was well aware, the twelve days of working would be difficult on all of us. They have been especially difficult on Jaden. His behavior has left me speechless in all counts.

The number of fits daily has shot through the roof, getting into every possible thing he can find, and a blatant disregard for authority has been the norm.

Yesterday, as I was leaving for work, we had a discussion about my having to work for only three more nights. Jaden was happy to be able to count the number of days I had left until I would be home at night. I mentioned to him that he needed to be a good boy and it was almost over.

Last night, while I was working, his poor behavior hit an all time high.

Today I decided it was time for reprogramming. That, however, was not an easy task!

I began first by cleaning up the house and getting laundry started. I told Jaden it was time to pick up all of his toys in the living room and his bedroom. He outright refused. I gave him multiple chances and told him that if he didn't pick up his toys, I would take them away. He still refused.

I went into his room and began picking up all of his toys and he instantly went into fit mode. I called for Rob to take him out of his room and he did. He kept Jaden in the living room while I packed up all of his toys and pulled them from his room and dispersed them into appropriate hiding places.

When he went back into his room he cried for close to an hour, wanting his toys back. I told him that he could get them back, only after he started behaving correctly again.

It's going to be a long road, I'm afraid. I feel horrible for taking everything away, but as every other form of punishment hasn't worked up through this point, I've felt no other choice. It's going to take him a long time to earn back all of his toys; perhaps at that time he will respect them a bit more and will remember to do as he is asked...

The world through Jaden's eyes

My son has decided that the digital camera is his toy! Although we've fought with him over this issue for the past couple of weeks, he did manage to snap about 40 photo's one morning. I can't help but see the light hearted side of it all and figured I would share how he sees his little world.

A Moment of Silence

Last Saturday, July 14, 2007; one gun shot was fired outside of Old Chicago in Cheyenne, Wyoming. The bullet, shot from across the street and through a window, missed the patrons, hit and instantly killed Robin Munis, 40, of Cheyenne.

As the story began to unfold, Robin Munis had recently separated from her husband, David Munis, 36. She received a threatening phone call from David the day prior and police began searching for Mr. Munis as their only suspect for the shooting.

David Munis was an expert marksman in the military. There was no criminal record on Mr. Munis.

As the days passed by, the story continued to sit in the headlines of all local newspapers and coverage continued by the local and national TV stations.

David Munis was found Tuesday, July 17, outside of Laramie. Mr. Munis shot himself in the chest and died later that night.

There were many other victims and people who have been devastated by this murder-suicide. The impact has been most felt by the Munis children. With one deliberate action by their father, they lost their mother and a few days later, their father.

Please take a moment to offer a thought, prayer or moment of silence for the innocent bystanders who have lost their whole world as they once knew.

Memorial Funds have been established for her children. Interested individuals can contribute through:

Memorial Fund for Robin Munis
c/o Cheryl Hawkins
American National Bank
1912 Capitol Ave.
Cheyenne, WY 82001


Or

Robin Munis Memorial Fund
Western Bank
1525 E. Pershing Blvd.
Cheyenne, WY 82001

A new career on the horizon...

One of the greatest assets when working in a bar is networking. I've been speaking with a couple who owns and operates the largest independent real estate trade publication over the last two months or so.

When I first met Chad and Tracy, I was asked what I was doing working in a bar when it was apparent that I had the intelligence to be holding any other position. My answer was simple; money. The financial rewards of holding a position of that sort has kept my family from struggling, most days. It was about that time Chad wanted to know what I would need to make in a month to live comfortably. I shot out a figure and the wheels in his mind started turning and he responded with; "Call me when you are ready to leave this job."

I blew him off as there are many people who will state something they are unable to hold fast to while they are in bars. I took the entire conversation as just that and went about my business.

A few weeks later, they were in again. We talked more and again Chad was pretty adamant about my leaving my job and beginning to work for him. I looked at his wife, Tracy, and asked if he was serious. She said he was dead serious and really wanted me to work for him.

I've mulled it over as we've continued talking and looking at all the options and opportunities involved with working for this company. Last night, they were in again and the conversation quickly turned from small talk to business talk. I met with them after I got off work and picked up the most recent copy of their publication and continued discussing this opportunity.

I was asked to quit my job and begin working for them next week; to which I had to decline. I can't just up and leave the position I hold in that manner, but did state that we could discuss this further at the end of frontier days. Chad was satisfied with my response and after much discussion at home about this opportunity; all systems are go once I have a few more questions answered.

So after the next 10 days, I have big decisions to make. I look forward to the change of pace, scenery and most of all working normal hours while making an income that is desirable for myself and my family.

Blogging - During Frontier Days

I won't be doing a whole lot of blogging over Frontier Days. I've opted to just blog on this site and let my other two sit idle during this time. For all the fun and fabulous updates; this is the page to see!

My World:

I was pretty bummed out Tuesday night when Rob didn't want to spend time with me, even though it was my last night off for quite some time. I ended up crying myself to sleep Tuesday night. I can blame part of that on the hormones. However, Wednesday when I woke him up, I did tell him just how upset I was and we've made a very conscious effort to spend good quality time together as we have it.

Future Trip:

My son has been adamant about going fishing over the past couple of weeks. We are now trying to plan an over-night camping trip for all of us shortly after my long stint at work. He's excited to get a fishing rod and reel it in, or "turn, turn, turn" he says.

Count-down:

I'm tired, overly tired. It's going to be a long week and I'm already feeling it. Let the countdown begin... 11 days until I get to rest and relax at home.


Regularly scheduled programing will return tomorrow.

A bit of my world

Cheyenne Frontier Days runs from July 20-29, 2007. I get to experience the influx of people from around the country and world at my job.

I started out as a bartender at the Outlaw shortly after moving to Cheyenne. I made a choice about a month and a half ago to move to cocktailing instead. Now, I'll be running on the floor instead of behind the bar during the most stressful yet lucrative time of the year.

Eleven days with no time off; running hard, fast and ragged. I won't be off work until the sun is nearing its rise and sleeping as much as possible during daylight hours before going back and starting all over again.

Preparations at work began last week; with the building of a temporary tent structure. When I say temporary, I do mean that it will be coming down after all the hoopla in August, even though it is cemented into the ground, bolted and stabilized with steel beams. We aren't talking about a small tent - the tent itself is about 2/3 the size of the club.

At any given day, there will be anywhere between 5 and 10,000 people that walk through the doors. It is going to be one long rest of the month!

Featured Blog

As Jennifer stated at Offbeat Homes; I'm the next big thing in honest blogs. Since that is the case, I'll share with you a bit more about myself and why I love my featured blog so much!

I was raised in an abusive home. Walking on egg-shells seemed to be the norm; something that took me years to see otherwise. I dealt with physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Come to think of it, some of the names I was called could be considered verbal abuse as well.

In any event, those experiences left a mark on my heart and in my soul. I've often spent a great deal of time working with one individual or another on letting go of their own pain and moving on; which is no easy task.

Polly Kahl has spent numerous years doing the same thing. She has joined the blogging world with her debut Victimology Blog. She is worth the wealth of information fueled by a past that, too, has been difficult. She's come out on top; and in the process continues to help others - through her work with a national community of abuse survivors, public speaking as an advocate for crime victims and in her private practice.

As I told Polly last week, I love the blog she has created! She's made up her mind to make an amazing difference in the lives of so many.

I hope you will take a moment and pop over to see Polly on her blog. Stay a moment and post a comment! Feel free to share in your own experiences, say a quick hello and don't forget to check back and catch her upcoming posts!!

My Sister

It's been quite some time since my sister and I last talked on the phone; roughly about a month ago. She sent an email my way today and I sent one right back - then she sent another! Our emails lead to my picking up the phone and dialing her number. Our lack of communicating hasn't been due to anger or frustration; we've not had the opportunity to connect as our schedules far from meshed. Today, however, they did.

It was about 330 when we started talking - about life, writing, blogging, and the list continues. Before I knew it, we were engaged in one of those heartfelt and deeply penetrating conversations that began with her reading a few of my blogs posted here.

There was so much I haven't shared with anyone, even my sister in regards to my grief. That sparked some pretty deep conversations about what transpired following Reiley's death in the days following. She commented in text on numerous posts and some verbally while we were on the phone.

Our dysfunctional 'father' in our lives caused much disruption during that time, as he wanted to be the center of attention - as apparently the death of my son was much more devastating to him than it ever could have been to me. He was the root of so many issues and ill feelings (or lack of feelings) throughout that time. It has surprised me as to the ability to see all that occurred in hindsight.

I can't help but thank God for my being home today, instead of running around with a friend. Everything does happen for a reason and my sister knowing more about me was an amazing and great moment.

Cheers to a sister who has been more than amazing in far too many ways to count.

TAG! I'm It...

As my friends could attest; I don't follow chain letters, mass postings or even consider answering millions of questions about myself unless I am completely bored out of my mind. Seeing as my schedule has been tight beyond belief with Cheyenne Frontier Days a few days away; boredom has not been part of my life. I do accept the break from my regularly scheduled posting, however and will follow suit...

8 Random Things about Me!

1. I really am not so random. I tend to think everything out, plan and do.
2. When I was a Freshman in High School, I wanted to be a lawyer; specializing in child abuse and abandonment.
3. I grew up around hundreds of books - a wall with built in shelves from floor to ceiling with books of all kinds.
   
4. I have a sister who is definitely not the youngest most beautiful; but she has one hell of a beautiful heart and soul.
   
5. I dated a "bad boy" who ended up serving a lengthy sentence in prison.
   
6. I ran my own business on line - looking into the unknown and mystical world beyond.
   
7. I've had stitches three times in my life - twice because of surgery and once from falling down a hill.
8. I have a brother who is still attached to "daddy" at the hip - - and wallet!
   

I was tagged by Jennifer at Offbeat Homes. She's such a blogaholic!! And a great inspiration and pretty cool chic. She can also be found at Balance, Hippie Sounds, Office Stuffer, Family Resource, and Pregnancy and Baby. I told you she was a blogaholic, and I just wasn't kidding.

Thank heavens that's over! Now for the real fun part... I get to tag EIGHT of you to do the same! My victims, err... choices are:

1. Heath - He's always in need of something else to do in his ever growing busy schedule. :)
   
2. Prozac Place - Because I love lurking there.
3. Micheline - One Scrapping Mom
4. My Sister - (I'm still the youngest most beautifulest!) And She needs to get busy blogging!
   
5. A Dragaon's Heart - An aspiring writer, with a passion for all things draconic.
6. Kappa no He - The mythological and magical world of what comes naturally.
7. Alicia Sparks - Mental Health Notes
8. Kristen King - One Lively Woman with great insight!

Now here's the deal - you can decline kindly - or follow suit and have fun! You will get to select 8 blogs yourself to tag and in my case; no tag backs!!!

Now - my sister had best get with it and reply to this... If she doesn't; I might have to threaten to invade her home and leave my terrorizing "Why" asking son with her for a week. Okay - that just might not be a good threat... hmmm.

Journaling - Grief Benefit

In the earliest days of my grief, I was unable to formulate a great many of words as to how I felt. I was in such a deep state of shock and disbelief; attempting to hold myself to any normal sense of function and ability to communicate effectively was out of the question. I could sit and write, however, for hours. I didn't care how jumbled or disruptive my writing was; as it was my own.

I progressed through journaling in ways I never thought possible. As time went on, I was able to spend twenty to thirty minutes at a time writing intently on what I was experiencing and the challenges I faced in any given day as a result of being dead brain (shock, sadness, inability to function.) My biggest downfall was finding the ambition to continue journaling on a daily basis. I learned through experience in writing and seeing the benefit in my life, a continued journal would have prompted great strides in my own mourning.

Without the aid of a professional counselor; journaling has been my greatest tool in coping with and understanding the loss I have endured. I suggest that every person, young and old, find a way to journal. It doesn't matter how you journal - through writing, drawing, painting or scribbling. The key to journaling is allowing everything you feel and recognize to be released. The feeling of relief becomes more and more welcomed as journaling continues.

Closeness

I've struggled greatly with finding a closeness with people from all walks. The devastating pain I experienced with my son has left a mark on my life that I wouldn't have thought possible. So many people have come into my life and a serious lack of understanding and compassion drives them away with great force.

When I gave birth to my second son, I went through the same process. I truly didn't bond with him until he was nearly a year old. I, however, still went through the processes of motherhood and took it upon myself to consider parenthood a career I had to be successful.

After he passed the age in which my son died; I was able to more readily develop a bond with him; and spend a great deal of time making up for lost time, so to speak. However, days still arise when I feel quite distant in that relationship.

Other relationships that have been negatively impacted are those of a romantic nature. I've sought out a person who was just too wonderful, with standards so incredibly high no person could reach them. I've felt that in order for me to risk being hurt so deeply again; they had best be worth every ounce of pain - unrealistically.

I've remained cold and distant in relationships and when I do cross that line and open myself up; the results are fantastic, magical and intense. However, it does seem that those personal relationships suffer more than they are successful. It's a struggle I face each day currently. I am working on changing that.

It's definitely not a beautiful sight when one sees me in my "Just Leave Me Alone!" moods. If I can make it a week without one of those days, I've accomplished great feats! Now, to see if I can accomplish that this week and build a stronger bond with those around myself.

Blame

When you face a death, it is easy to post blame anywhere you can. In my situation, I've oftentimes blamed myself for the death of my son. That in it-self has been an uphill battle.

My son died to SIDS. It has continued to be a painful situation. I felt such great blame for not waking up sooner, not offering him one more bottle before bed; having co-slept I even blamed myself for possibly suffocating him. Some moments are better than others are; however I will still occasionally think about him sleeping in my bed with me just feet away, as the reason for his death.

The morning I found him; I recall John (from the funeral home) coming in to take his body. I looked at him and begged that he find an answer as to why my son died. I needed some reasoning and proof; anything that would answer the millions of questions I had going through my mind. He asked if I wanted an autopsy done; I jumped and said yes.

It was weeks after Reiley's funeral that I finally received a copy of his death certificate as well as his autopsy report. I read it from front to back numerous times. There was nothing. His organs were fine, all measuring and weighing appropriately. His lungs were clear. His brain fully developed for his age. Absolutely nothing that could have caused any doubt in my mind that it was "just his time." Nonetheless, I still blamed myself. I still questioned and have continued to question if there was a single event that set the ball rolling for his death to come to fruition.

I looked at the death certificate; wondering if there was an answer there. Again, I found nothing. His cause of death listed was Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

I couldn't believe that my son was gone from my life for one and for two, that there really was no reasoning behind his death. At least with every death I had dealt with previously; there was a reason. This death and the grieving process associated with it has been most difficult without having an understanding as to why he died.

This is the first time I have even discussed the self-blame that I have been through over the past seven years, three months and two days. The prison I've held myself hostage in equates to Two-Thousand, Six-Hundred and forty nine days (2,649).

In that time, I've found no answer, none, nothing, nada and zip. Yet, somehow, I still find a way to blame myself. Perhaps the psychologist within me should do an examination and determine the best course to change that aspect.

So yes, along with the blame I placed on myself for my son's death, I've also had to battle with issues of self-worth and self-esteem. All of those factors are directly related. If I didn't hold myself accountable for Reiley's death; I wouldn't feel so poorly about myself and my esteem would then be good as well as my value of worth, in my minds eye.

Death brings with it many emotions and countless barriers one must overcome. The grieving process, while challenging, can be more difficult that the griever could imagine. It certainly has been in my life, all because of a little blame.

Helping

I will never forget the day my sister decided to help me after Reiley died. I don't recall where I had been, but I remember coming through the front door and my sister mentioned that she had bagged up some of Reiley's things.

I must have stood there with a blank stare as I couldn't respond. I felt as though I was being cheated of closing that chapter of my life myself. I was his mother and it was up to me to bag and box up his things without anyone else interfering with that process.

I was angry, instantly irate. I don't remember if I yelled or screamed or even said anything. I don't recall if I broke down into tears; but I do know that I held onto a great deal of resentment towards my sister for quite some time following.

Helping to clear out someone's possessions after they die is far from helping the person the loss most greatly impacts. Unless asked for assistance in doing so, just offer to be a support instead of taking the initiative to do so yourself.

Sayings that mean nothing...

There have been many times when I've been told one thing or another and it means absolutely nothing to me in regards to he losses I've experienced. The following list are phrases that should be avoided when discussing a loss.

• I'm sorry.
• There is nothing you can do to bring a person back. You can't be sorry for something that you have absolutely no control over.
• I guess that would be harder than losing _____.
• Hopefully you will never know the difficulties that arise with a loss of great magnitude.
  
• God has a plan.
• While most of us will come to grips with our loss in our own time, many will be angry at God for taking their loved one away. It's great that you are trying to instill a positive message, but it really is not the appropriate time for that particular message.
• It's probably for the better.
• It doesn't matter the circumstances to any loss, experiencing a death and having someone leave your life isn't better for anyone.
• Just give yourself time.
• While those who have gone through deaths before know that the pain does get easier with time, someone experiencing it for the first time isn't going to believe that. The bereaved know what they are feeling at that moment in time and generally don't feel that the pain they feel will lessen at all.
• I understand.
• Unless you have personally experienced the same loss; please don't say that you understand. You may understand the general process of grieving; but you won't fully understand the grief that is being experienced today.
• It's just the cycle of life.
• If you are over the age of 6; it's common to know that all life must come to an end; but please don't state the obvious. Emotions run rampant, especially in the early stages of grief.
  

There are many more phrases I've experienced in my own life. Now that I've covered a few of those, let me give you a small piece of advise:

Allow the one who is grieving to express what they are feeling as the moment arises. If you knew the person who passed; share in fond memories of that person. Sharing and listening will give you a much stronger relationship bond with the bereaved. You might not know it, but that one thoughtful action could keep someone who is emotionally distraught in that manner from attempting suicide.

When you first hear of a loss, offer a welcomed hug and simply state "I'm here for you." and mean it.

Ever Evolving and Repeating

Going through the grieving process is ever evolving and constantly changing. We cycle through various aspects of grief countless times in our lives. While time does take away the painful sting of the loss; it never fully goes away.

Holidays after Reiley died were challenging to say the least. I remember the years following his death (5 years time) I didn't care to celebrate any holiday. Christmas especially. I wasn't out purchasing gifts for him and would pull myself away from everyone around. I was truly a humbug during the holidays and at times still fall into that mode even after having another child three years ago.

I often find myself remembering the only holidays I was able to share with Reiley and focus so intently on that year; the weeks prior to any holiday leave me feeling overwhelmed, saddened, discouraged and angry. I still have to work on those holidays with much consciousness to be capable of surviving them.

From about Mid-March to April 9 every year I relived the loss of my son continuously. I face nightmares that never seem to cease. I have a difficult time sleeping and withdraw from the world around me all over again. The emotions I feel (so many I'm unable to state them all) reach their peek on April 9 and after that day is over; the 10th brings with it a renewed sense of self and ability to focus on my own life in the present.

These are all issues I go through on a regular basis and have since Reiley died in 2000. It is a constant struggle to remain focused on my life and not disappear from society - much less my family.

Reiley

I gave birth to a six week premature boy on August 13, 1999. He was amazingly strong, yet so tiny; weighing in at five pounds even. I brought him home and loved him deeply. I ensured every need was met all the while caring for my mother who was terminally ill and my fifteen year old brother.

April 8, 2000; I came home only to find my mom in respiratory failure. She was rushed to the emergency room and approximately six hours later, was stabilized. The day continued; though lacking sleep. We ate dinner and stopped off at the hospital and visited with my mom. Upon returning home; we prepped for bed and soon after went to sleep.

The morning of April 10 arrived rather quickly. My brother, Nick, opted to ride his bike to school that morning instead of waking me to give him a ride. I heard the door shut to the garage and leaped out of bed as Reiley hadn't stirred all night. My heart sank, adrenaline pumping throughout my body, praying that my worst fears were not true; I turned on the light to see my son. I picked him up, feeling his cold body and screamed louder than I had ever screamed in my life.

I grabbed a phone and while dialing 9-1-1, began CPR on Reiley. When the officers arrived, they asked if I wanted to continue resuscitation. I begged for their help at that point, losing what sense of control I still felt. They took a stethoscope to his chest, and stood there, shaking their heads and doing nothing more.

I sank, began weeping and the only thing I wanted was my mom. I wanted for her to make it better; erase the day that began so tragically, most of all, bring my son back to my arms so I could see his beautiful blue eyes sparkling, listen to his crack-me-up laugh and feel his slobbery kisses once more.

It has been just over seven years since Reiley left my loving arms and transcended beyond. I have spent months out of the years longing for his presence, yearning to have him close again and all the while, failing to live.

This week I will spend writing and discussing various issues I've faced and overcome after losing an infant so prematurely.

The week caught up with me

I've devoted large amounts of time and energy into writing this week. Hours upon hours of researching and writing finally caught up with my body and has left its tired streak. I worked last night and hardly slept a wink with so many thoughts racing through my mind. I awoke much too early; about 6:30 am, having only placed my head on the pillow about three hours prior.

My day has been spent in a zombie like state; unable to focus the majority of the day. I am longing for the opportunity to catch up on my much needed rest come Monday; a precious day off calling my name.

A long night is before me; having to find my way there by 9 pm. I'm thankful, however, that it is Saturday; allowing for the opportunity to wear something other than black skirts and shirts. There's a bit more comfort in denim; especially when working in a bar.

With that, I do believe it is farewell until tomorrow. Another day awaits; one that hopefully contains some much needed rest and relaxation prior to my next lengthy shift.

Household Chores; are they equal?

An interesting discussion developed with some great parenting friends recently concerning how household chores are divided with partners. The curiosity was spiked when one mom moved from working to stay at home status and her husband felt that since she was home, the household chores were her responsibility.

In my household, the chores are largely unbalanced. I work outside of the home four nights a week, leaving my son in his care for six to eleven hours on those nights. I am also actively writing a minimum of three hours per day, every day to further my career goals in a writing field. A checklist of chores most often completed one way or the other follows.

Vacuuming: Me
Dusting: Me
Bathroom: Me
Dishes: Him
Sweeping: Me
Mopping: Me
Garbage: Him
Laundry: Me
Meals: About 50/50
Grocery Shopping: Me
Bedroom: Me
Child's room: My son, Jaden

At this point, he is working on his enlistment into the National Guard, however is not working otherwise. I spent between 22 and 37 hours per week at work outside of the home and an additional 20-40 hours per week on writing and researching. The balance in my own household is extremely unbalanced. How does the balancing act measure in your household?

Why It Matters!

It's nothing new to hear someone around the corner of the office complaining about the way America is being run. It seems more often, strong views against political leaders finds its way into conversation. Why should you care if the President opts to start a war? That answer is simple; the impact of one decision can effect everything in your life.

By following the guidelines below, you will be one step above the crowd when it comes to voting. Take the opportunity to learn about those running for all political offices; locally and nationally. Knowledge is power so rather than complain to the person working beside you, place the power into your own hands and make a difference.

Knowing Platforms:

The first step to making any decision about an official in office is to know their platforms. You need to know where they stand on the important issues in your life. If you are all for environmental reform, you wouldn't want to vote someone in office who is for increasing the amounts of Carbon released into the atmosphere. The same principal can be followed with every issue that will impact your life and those of your family.

A great place to start when looking at the candidates locally as well as nationally is: On The Issues. They cover topics from abortions and environment to war and peace, with everything in between. For the political beginner; this site will give you a wealth of information to assist you in making the right choice for you.

Register to Vote:

Before you can claim any right to talking negatively about any official in office, you must register to vote if you have not yet done so. Each state has their own guidelines on the registration process; many allow voters to print and mail off a form. Be forewarned, however, if you move to a different county, chances are you will have to register in that county and pull your registration from your previous county of residence.

You can find where to register to vote through a very convenient website. Activote contains information about every state and the counties current registration processes and locations. The drawback to this site, however, is that it can be slow loading. Be patient and the information will be a click away.

Vote:

Learn where and when you can vote. There is information that can be found on Activote about the primary elections including the dates. Be apprised of local elections and when they are held throughout the year. It doesn't take much effort to find that information.

If you are going to take the initiative to complain about those holding office, the least you can do is follow their platforms, be registered to vote and vote! Make a difference instead of badgering your friends, family and coworkers with unsubstantiated thoughts and views.