Going through the grieving process is ever evolving and constantly changing. We cycle through various aspects of grief countless times in our lives. While time does take away the painful sting of the loss; it never fully goes away.
Holidays after Reiley died were challenging to say the least. I remember the years following his death (5 years time) I didn't care to celebrate any holiday. Christmas especially. I wasn't out purchasing gifts for him and would pull myself away from everyone around. I was truly a humbug during the holidays and at times still fall into that mode even after having another child three years ago.
I often find myself remembering the only holidays I was able to share with Reiley and focus so intently on that year; the weeks prior to any holiday leave me feeling overwhelmed, saddened, discouraged and angry. I still have to work on those holidays with much consciousness to be capable of surviving them.
From about Mid-March to April 9 every year I relived the loss of my son continuously. I face nightmares that never seem to cease. I have a difficult time sleeping and withdraw from the world around me all over again. The emotions I feel (so many I'm unable to state them all) reach their peek on April 9 and after that day is over; the 10th brings with it a renewed sense of self and ability to focus on my own life in the present.
These are all issues I go through on a regular basis and have since Reiley died in 2000. It is a constant struggle to remain focused on my life and not disappear from society - much less my family.
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4 comments:
Wow, Mysti! I'm blown away by how resilient you've been. And here I am acting like a lunatic because of one poster on a website.
I wish you the very best, and I'm going to bookmark this blog. I've found you to be a very inspiring individual, and I want you to know your words and your encouragement have meant a lot to me these last couple days.
Sean
:)
Mysti, It is inspiring to read these words. You've endured the greatest pain any mother could. I pray for your continued healing.
It's cool that you can be so honest and work through this somewhat through writing (I seriously cannot imagine) -- well, I can imagine because as a parent the worst always is in the back of your mind (or my mind anyway) but I can't know, thankfully. Thanks for putting the hard stuff in life into perspective.
As I intend on posting later in the week; times have changed. There was a time when it was strictly taboo to even mention a child that died. I am a firm believer in speaking that which we feel; as it is expressing our emotions that brings us to a state of greater learning and understanding.
I have survived this loss and a dozen others since I can remember. Those losses have made such an amazing impact on my life; ways many would never imagine.
It's been a very long seven years since Reiley died, and even longer 8 years next month since he was born. I thank God every day for the opportunity to have had Reiley in my life, however. He truly was an angel that was sent down to change my life - for the better.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to this post.
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