Reiley

I gave birth to a six week premature boy on August 13, 1999. He was amazingly strong, yet so tiny; weighing in at five pounds even. I brought him home and loved him deeply. I ensured every need was met all the while caring for my mother who was terminally ill and my fifteen year old brother.

April 8, 2000; I came home only to find my mom in respiratory failure. She was rushed to the emergency room and approximately six hours later, was stabilized. The day continued; though lacking sleep. We ate dinner and stopped off at the hospital and visited with my mom. Upon returning home; we prepped for bed and soon after went to sleep.

The morning of April 10 arrived rather quickly. My brother, Nick, opted to ride his bike to school that morning instead of waking me to give him a ride. I heard the door shut to the garage and leaped out of bed as Reiley hadn't stirred all night. My heart sank, adrenaline pumping throughout my body, praying that my worst fears were not true; I turned on the light to see my son. I picked him up, feeling his cold body and screamed louder than I had ever screamed in my life.

I grabbed a phone and while dialing 9-1-1, began CPR on Reiley. When the officers arrived, they asked if I wanted to continue resuscitation. I begged for their help at that point, losing what sense of control I still felt. They took a stethoscope to his chest, and stood there, shaking their heads and doing nothing more.

I sank, began weeping and the only thing I wanted was my mom. I wanted for her to make it better; erase the day that began so tragically, most of all, bring my son back to my arms so I could see his beautiful blue eyes sparkling, listen to his crack-me-up laugh and feel his slobbery kisses once more.

It has been just over seven years since Reiley left my loving arms and transcended beyond. I have spent months out of the years longing for his presence, yearning to have him close again and all the while, failing to live.

This week I will spend writing and discussing various issues I've faced and overcome after losing an infant so prematurely.