Closeness

I've struggled greatly with finding a closeness with people from all walks. The devastating pain I experienced with my son has left a mark on my life that I wouldn't have thought possible. So many people have come into my life and a serious lack of understanding and compassion drives them away with great force.

When I gave birth to my second son, I went through the same process. I truly didn't bond with him until he was nearly a year old. I, however, still went through the processes of motherhood and took it upon myself to consider parenthood a career I had to be successful.

After he passed the age in which my son died; I was able to more readily develop a bond with him; and spend a great deal of time making up for lost time, so to speak. However, days still arise when I feel quite distant in that relationship.

Other relationships that have been negatively impacted are those of a romantic nature. I've sought out a person who was just too wonderful, with standards so incredibly high no person could reach them. I've felt that in order for me to risk being hurt so deeply again; they had best be worth every ounce of pain - unrealistically.

I've remained cold and distant in relationships and when I do cross that line and open myself up; the results are fantastic, magical and intense. However, it does seem that those personal relationships suffer more than they are successful. It's a struggle I face each day currently. I am working on changing that.

It's definitely not a beautiful sight when one sees me in my "Just Leave Me Alone!" moods. If I can make it a week without one of those days, I've accomplished great feats! Now, to see if I can accomplish that this week and build a stronger bond with those around myself.