Reflections

Life is an amazing experience. There are events that transpire every day. While some I can recall with great clarity, others seem to vanish midst my memory until someone or something comes along and brings that memory to surface once again.

A few nights ago, at work, I was standing in the well of the bar and a gentleman sitting next to my well struck up a conversation. I do not recall the first words that he said to me, but the discussion of my eye color (or colors more accurately stated) happened. He made a statement that caught me off guard, a reference to Angels and their presence in our lives.

It was that reference that brought with it a flash of memories from a few times in my life. I continued our conversation although I was distracted and unable to grasp what all he had stated at that point.

I went about my work and when I returned to that area of the bar, he was gone... only after leaving a message for me to email him, as he would like to continue our conversation.

The memories that surfaced in my life have played a huge part in my own spirituality and faith.

The first memory I remember is nearly drowning in a swimming pool. I was wearing a strawberry shortcake swimsuit and I took a step off the stairs and found myself immobilized. I felt so comfortable and warm in the water. I remember looking up towards the sky and all I could see was a while light. I did not want to move. I was perfectly content and not even concerned about breathing.

I remember rising out of the water by hands below me and forced out of the state of comfort and peace. I remember gasping for air. It was that moment of coming out of the water; the memories of discontent, discomfort and frustration began and continued throughout my life with the events that transpired thereafter.

It was many years later, just before Reiley, my first child, died that I can recall the second incident this conversation brought forward in my mind.

I was sitting in the chair at the computer; frustrated with the entire situation I was living. I could not deal with controlling actions by someone else and felt trapped in all the responsibility that weighed on my shoulders. I was on the verge of crying when I saw her.

From the corner of the vaulted ceiling, a woman, appearing to be in her 30's made her decent. She had soft curls around her round face, appearing to be very healthy and a bit heavy set. She was in a blue dress with a flowing bell shaped skirt. There was a ribbon in a slightly lighter shade of blue that wrapped around her waist that flattered her figure well. She stretched her hand out towards me and said everything would be okay and what was about to occur was part of my life plan. She assured me that I would be okay and to keep my faith. There was a plan for me.

The next few months were challenging to say the least. The years after those events proved to be even more difficult.

The third and final account this conversation brought to the surface of my mind was my suicide attempt in June 2001.

I remember all of the negative emotions and thoughts that surrounded all I was feeling. Even though I knew there would be a few people who would miss me, I still said my good-byes and intended to end my life - right then.

I began taking pills, by the handful. I opened Pepsi after Pepsi and consumed them as quickly as I could. I cried at how horrible my life was and how much I missed my son. I thought of the treatment I received by someone who said he loved me and those thoughts brought a sense of resolution in my actions, my choice.

It was hours later when I awoke. I remember the gray that surrounded me. The feelings of indecisiveness swirled inside. I remember feeling love at the same time. I remember seeing this angel during that time. Her dress was silver, with layers and layers of a rippled fabric. Some areas were of deeper and richer shades of silver while other areas accented and filled with light and brightness. The bodice reminded me of an old English style dress, similar to that of the Elizabethan Era. A white lace stretched outside of her beautiful gown just above her bust. I remember feeling mesmerized by the incredible beauty that radiated from her.

She spoke with me and offered her support through my staying and continuing my tasks in life. There were details that she spoke about almost in a way of convincing me that my time was not complete. She pointed me back to the couch where my body laid and in an instant, I awoke.

I picked up the phone and called my mom. I reached out to her in an attempt to find strength to do what was necessary. She convinced me to call the police and call her back. I did just that and stayed in the hospital for three days until I returned home.

I have had some amazing experiences in my life. It amazes me at how quickly they were thrown to the far reaches of my memory and yet, with a very simple conversation, those experiences were brought back to the surface with a great intensity. Life and reflections of those past occurrences allows an amazing moment to recharge and understand where I have been and how far I have traveled since.