Initiative: The power or ability to begin or to follow through energetically with a plan or task; enterprise and determination.
Have you sat and wondered why some people take initiative while others find themselves to be stagnant? I often question why individuals believe that taking no action, stagnancy, is the correct action.
There are some individuals I've met in my life that believe that it's okay to mooch off another. They feel, for some reason or another, that it is perfectly okay to cause disruption in the lives of those around them instead of bettering themselves and their families.
There is much to be said for an individual taking the initiative to better themselves and their lives. It doesn't take much effort to get started and when you do, the feeling of worth prompts you to move forward. One small action starts a snow-ball effect; leading to great change!
If you are one who works diligently and deliberately to ensure a better life for yourself and your family; I commend you! If you are one who lacks the initiative in your life and feels it's better to wait and see; I hope you'll light a fire in your own life and better yourself before those around you view you as much less than you really are...
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Horrible Behavior calls for Drastic Measures
As I was well aware, the twelve days of working would be difficult on all of us. They have been especially difficult on Jaden. His behavior has left me speechless in all counts.
The number of fits daily has shot through the roof, getting into every possible thing he can find, and a blatant disregard for authority has been the norm.
Yesterday, as I was leaving for work, we had a discussion about my having to work for only three more nights. Jaden was happy to be able to count the number of days I had left until I would be home at night. I mentioned to him that he needed to be a good boy and it was almost over.
Last night, while I was working, his poor behavior hit an all time high.
Today I decided it was time for reprogramming. That, however, was not an easy task!
I began first by cleaning up the house and getting laundry started. I told Jaden it was time to pick up all of his toys in the living room and his bedroom. He outright refused. I gave him multiple chances and told him that if he didn't pick up his toys, I would take them away. He still refused.
I went into his room and began picking up all of his toys and he instantly went into fit mode. I called for Rob to take him out of his room and he did. He kept Jaden in the living room while I packed up all of his toys and pulled them from his room and dispersed them into appropriate hiding places.
When he went back into his room he cried for close to an hour, wanting his toys back. I told him that he could get them back, only after he started behaving correctly again.
It's going to be a long road, I'm afraid. I feel horrible for taking everything away, but as every other form of punishment hasn't worked up through this point, I've felt no other choice. It's going to take him a long time to earn back all of his toys; perhaps at that time he will respect them a bit more and will remember to do as he is asked...
The number of fits daily has shot through the roof, getting into every possible thing he can find, and a blatant disregard for authority has been the norm.
Yesterday, as I was leaving for work, we had a discussion about my having to work for only three more nights. Jaden was happy to be able to count the number of days I had left until I would be home at night. I mentioned to him that he needed to be a good boy and it was almost over.
Last night, while I was working, his poor behavior hit an all time high.
Today I decided it was time for reprogramming. That, however, was not an easy task!
I began first by cleaning up the house and getting laundry started. I told Jaden it was time to pick up all of his toys in the living room and his bedroom. He outright refused. I gave him multiple chances and told him that if he didn't pick up his toys, I would take them away. He still refused.
I went into his room and began picking up all of his toys and he instantly went into fit mode. I called for Rob to take him out of his room and he did. He kept Jaden in the living room while I packed up all of his toys and pulled them from his room and dispersed them into appropriate hiding places.
When he went back into his room he cried for close to an hour, wanting his toys back. I told him that he could get them back, only after he started behaving correctly again.
It's going to be a long road, I'm afraid. I feel horrible for taking everything away, but as every other form of punishment hasn't worked up through this point, I've felt no other choice. It's going to take him a long time to earn back all of his toys; perhaps at that time he will respect them a bit more and will remember to do as he is asked...
Friday, July 27, 2007
The world through Jaden's eyes
My son has decided that the digital camera is his toy! Although we've fought with him over this issue for the past couple of weeks, he did manage to snap about 40 photo's one morning. I can't help but see the light hearted side of it all and figured I would share how he sees his little world.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
A Moment of Silence
Last Saturday, July 14, 2007; one gun shot was fired outside of Old Chicago in Cheyenne, Wyoming. The bullet, shot from across the street and through a window, missed the patrons, hit and instantly killed Robin Munis, 40, of Cheyenne.
As the story began to unfold, Robin Munis had recently separated from her husband, David Munis, 36. She received a threatening phone call from David the day prior and police began searching for Mr. Munis as their only suspect for the shooting.
David Munis was an expert marksman in the military. There was no criminal record on Mr. Munis.
As the days passed by, the story continued to sit in the headlines of all local newspapers and coverage continued by the local and national TV stations.
David Munis was found Tuesday, July 17, outside of Laramie. Mr. Munis shot himself in the chest and died later that night.
There were many other victims and people who have been devastated by this murder-suicide. The impact has been most felt by the Munis children. With one deliberate action by their father, they lost their mother and a few days later, their father.
Please take a moment to offer a thought, prayer or moment of silence for the innocent bystanders who have lost their whole world as they once knew.
Memorial Funds have been established for her children. Interested individuals can contribute through:
Memorial Fund for Robin Munis
c/o Cheryl Hawkins
American National Bank
1912 Capitol Ave.
Cheyenne, WY 82001
Or
Robin Munis Memorial Fund
Western Bank
1525 E. Pershing Blvd.
Cheyenne, WY 82001
As the story began to unfold, Robin Munis had recently separated from her husband, David Munis, 36. She received a threatening phone call from David the day prior and police began searching for Mr. Munis as their only suspect for the shooting.
David Munis was an expert marksman in the military. There was no criminal record on Mr. Munis.
As the days passed by, the story continued to sit in the headlines of all local newspapers and coverage continued by the local and national TV stations.
David Munis was found Tuesday, July 17, outside of Laramie. Mr. Munis shot himself in the chest and died later that night.
There were many other victims and people who have been devastated by this murder-suicide. The impact has been most felt by the Munis children. With one deliberate action by their father, they lost their mother and a few days later, their father.
Please take a moment to offer a thought, prayer or moment of silence for the innocent bystanders who have lost their whole world as they once knew.
Memorial Funds have been established for her children. Interested individuals can contribute through:
Memorial Fund for Robin Munis
c/o Cheryl Hawkins
American National Bank
1912 Capitol Ave.
Cheyenne, WY 82001
Or
Robin Munis Memorial Fund
Western Bank
1525 E. Pershing Blvd.
Cheyenne, WY 82001
Friday, July 20, 2007
A new career on the horizon...
One of the greatest assets when working in a bar is networking. I've been speaking with a couple who owns and operates the largest independent real estate trade publication over the last two months or so.
When I first met Chad and Tracy, I was asked what I was doing working in a bar when it was apparent that I had the intelligence to be holding any other position. My answer was simple; money. The financial rewards of holding a position of that sort has kept my family from struggling, most days. It was about that time Chad wanted to know what I would need to make in a month to live comfortably. I shot out a figure and the wheels in his mind started turning and he responded with; "Call me when you are ready to leave this job."
I blew him off as there are many people who will state something they are unable to hold fast to while they are in bars. I took the entire conversation as just that and went about my business.
A few weeks later, they were in again. We talked more and again Chad was pretty adamant about my leaving my job and beginning to work for him. I looked at his wife, Tracy, and asked if he was serious. She said he was dead serious and really wanted me to work for him.
I've mulled it over as we've continued talking and looking at all the options and opportunities involved with working for this company. Last night, they were in again and the conversation quickly turned from small talk to business talk. I met with them after I got off work and picked up the most recent copy of their publication and continued discussing this opportunity.
I was asked to quit my job and begin working for them next week; to which I had to decline. I can't just up and leave the position I hold in that manner, but did state that we could discuss this further at the end of frontier days. Chad was satisfied with my response and after much discussion at home about this opportunity; all systems are go once I have a few more questions answered.
So after the next 10 days, I have big decisions to make. I look forward to the change of pace, scenery and most of all working normal hours while making an income that is desirable for myself and my family.
When I first met Chad and Tracy, I was asked what I was doing working in a bar when it was apparent that I had the intelligence to be holding any other position. My answer was simple; money. The financial rewards of holding a position of that sort has kept my family from struggling, most days. It was about that time Chad wanted to know what I would need to make in a month to live comfortably. I shot out a figure and the wheels in his mind started turning and he responded with; "Call me when you are ready to leave this job."
I blew him off as there are many people who will state something they are unable to hold fast to while they are in bars. I took the entire conversation as just that and went about my business.
A few weeks later, they were in again. We talked more and again Chad was pretty adamant about my leaving my job and beginning to work for him. I looked at his wife, Tracy, and asked if he was serious. She said he was dead serious and really wanted me to work for him.
I've mulled it over as we've continued talking and looking at all the options and opportunities involved with working for this company. Last night, they were in again and the conversation quickly turned from small talk to business talk. I met with them after I got off work and picked up the most recent copy of their publication and continued discussing this opportunity.
I was asked to quit my job and begin working for them next week; to which I had to decline. I can't just up and leave the position I hold in that manner, but did state that we could discuss this further at the end of frontier days. Chad was satisfied with my response and after much discussion at home about this opportunity; all systems are go once I have a few more questions answered.
So after the next 10 days, I have big decisions to make. I look forward to the change of pace, scenery and most of all working normal hours while making an income that is desirable for myself and my family.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Blogging - During Frontier Days
I won't be doing a whole lot of blogging over Frontier Days. I've opted to just blog on this site and let my other two sit idle during this time. For all the fun and fabulous updates; this is the page to see!
My World:
I was pretty bummed out Tuesday night when Rob didn't want to spend time with me, even though it was my last night off for quite some time. I ended up crying myself to sleep Tuesday night. I can blame part of that on the hormones. However, Wednesday when I woke him up, I did tell him just how upset I was and we've made a very conscious effort to spend good quality time together as we have it.
Future Trip:
My son has been adamant about going fishing over the past couple of weeks. We are now trying to plan an over-night camping trip for all of us shortly after my long stint at work. He's excited to get a fishing rod and reel it in, or "turn, turn, turn" he says.
Count-down:
I'm tired, overly tired. It's going to be a long week and I'm already feeling it. Let the countdown begin... 11 days until I get to rest and relax at home.
Regularly scheduled programing will return tomorrow.
My World:
I was pretty bummed out Tuesday night when Rob didn't want to spend time with me, even though it was my last night off for quite some time. I ended up crying myself to sleep Tuesday night. I can blame part of that on the hormones. However, Wednesday when I woke him up, I did tell him just how upset I was and we've made a very conscious effort to spend good quality time together as we have it.
Future Trip:
My son has been adamant about going fishing over the past couple of weeks. We are now trying to plan an over-night camping trip for all of us shortly after my long stint at work. He's excited to get a fishing rod and reel it in, or "turn, turn, turn" he says.
Count-down:
I'm tired, overly tired. It's going to be a long week and I'm already feeling it. Let the countdown begin... 11 days until I get to rest and relax at home.
Regularly scheduled programing will return tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
A bit of my world
Cheyenne Frontier Days runs from July 20-29, 2007. I get to experience the influx of people from around the country and world at my job.
I started out as a bartender at the Outlaw shortly after moving to Cheyenne. I made a choice about a month and a half ago to move to cocktailing instead. Now, I'll be running on the floor instead of behind the bar during the most stressful yet lucrative time of the year.
Eleven days with no time off; running hard, fast and ragged. I won't be off work until the sun is nearing its rise and sleeping as much as possible during daylight hours before going back and starting all over again.
Preparations at work began last week; with the building of a temporary tent structure. When I say temporary, I do mean that it will be coming down after all the hoopla in August, even though it is cemented into the ground, bolted and stabilized with steel beams. We aren't talking about a small tent - the tent itself is about 2/3 the size of the club.
At any given day, there will be anywhere between 5 and 10,000 people that walk through the doors. It is going to be one long rest of the month!
I started out as a bartender at the Outlaw shortly after moving to Cheyenne. I made a choice about a month and a half ago to move to cocktailing instead. Now, I'll be running on the floor instead of behind the bar during the most stressful yet lucrative time of the year.
Eleven days with no time off; running hard, fast and ragged. I won't be off work until the sun is nearing its rise and sleeping as much as possible during daylight hours before going back and starting all over again.
Preparations at work began last week; with the building of a temporary tent structure. When I say temporary, I do mean that it will be coming down after all the hoopla in August, even though it is cemented into the ground, bolted and stabilized with steel beams. We aren't talking about a small tent - the tent itself is about 2/3 the size of the club.
At any given day, there will be anywhere between 5 and 10,000 people that walk through the doors. It is going to be one long rest of the month!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Featured Blog
As Jennifer stated at Offbeat Homes; I'm the next big thing in honest blogs. Since that is the case, I'll share with you a bit more about myself and why I love my featured blog so much!
I was raised in an abusive home. Walking on egg-shells seemed to be the norm; something that took me years to see otherwise. I dealt with physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Come to think of it, some of the names I was called could be considered verbal abuse as well.
In any event, those experiences left a mark on my heart and in my soul. I've often spent a great deal of time working with one individual or another on letting go of their own pain and moving on; which is no easy task.
Polly Kahl has spent numerous years doing the same thing. She has joined the blogging world with her debut Victimology Blog. She is worth the wealth of information fueled by a past that, too, has been difficult. She's come out on top; and in the process continues to help others - through her work with a national community of abuse survivors, public speaking as an advocate for crime victims and in her private practice.
As I told Polly last week, I love the blog she has created! She's made up her mind to make an amazing difference in the lives of so many.
I hope you will take a moment and pop over to see Polly on her blog. Stay a moment and post a comment! Feel free to share in your own experiences, say a quick hello and don't forget to check back and catch her upcoming posts!!
I was raised in an abusive home. Walking on egg-shells seemed to be the norm; something that took me years to see otherwise. I dealt with physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Come to think of it, some of the names I was called could be considered verbal abuse as well.
In any event, those experiences left a mark on my heart and in my soul. I've often spent a great deal of time working with one individual or another on letting go of their own pain and moving on; which is no easy task.
Polly Kahl has spent numerous years doing the same thing. She has joined the blogging world with her debut Victimology Blog. She is worth the wealth of information fueled by a past that, too, has been difficult. She's come out on top; and in the process continues to help others - through her work with a national community of abuse survivors, public speaking as an advocate for crime victims and in her private practice.
As I told Polly last week, I love the blog she has created! She's made up her mind to make an amazing difference in the lives of so many.
I hope you will take a moment and pop over to see Polly on her blog. Stay a moment and post a comment! Feel free to share in your own experiences, say a quick hello and don't forget to check back and catch her upcoming posts!!
Monday, July 16, 2007
My Sister
It's been quite some time since my sister and I last talked on the phone; roughly about a month ago. She sent an email my way today and I sent one right back - then she sent another! Our emails lead to my picking up the phone and dialing her number. Our lack of communicating hasn't been due to anger or frustration; we've not had the opportunity to connect as our schedules far from meshed. Today, however, they did.
It was about 330 when we started talking - about life, writing, blogging, and the list continues. Before I knew it, we were engaged in one of those heartfelt and deeply penetrating conversations that began with her reading a few of my blogs posted here.
There was so much I haven't shared with anyone, even my sister in regards to my grief. That sparked some pretty deep conversations about what transpired following Reiley's death in the days following. She commented in text on numerous posts and some verbally while we were on the phone.
Our dysfunctional 'father' in our lives caused much disruption during that time, as he wanted to be the center of attention - as apparently the death of my son was much more devastating to him than it ever could have been to me. He was the root of so many issues and ill feelings (or lack of feelings) throughout that time. It has surprised me as to the ability to see all that occurred in hindsight.
I can't help but thank God for my being home today, instead of running around with a friend. Everything does happen for a reason and my sister knowing more about me was an amazing and great moment.
Cheers to a sister who has been more than amazing in far too many ways to count.
It was about 330 when we started talking - about life, writing, blogging, and the list continues. Before I knew it, we were engaged in one of those heartfelt and deeply penetrating conversations that began with her reading a few of my blogs posted here.
There was so much I haven't shared with anyone, even my sister in regards to my grief. That sparked some pretty deep conversations about what transpired following Reiley's death in the days following. She commented in text on numerous posts and some verbally while we were on the phone.
Our dysfunctional 'father' in our lives caused much disruption during that time, as he wanted to be the center of attention - as apparently the death of my son was much more devastating to him than it ever could have been to me. He was the root of so many issues and ill feelings (or lack of feelings) throughout that time. It has surprised me as to the ability to see all that occurred in hindsight.
I can't help but thank God for my being home today, instead of running around with a friend. Everything does happen for a reason and my sister knowing more about me was an amazing and great moment.
Cheers to a sister who has been more than amazing in far too many ways to count.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
TAG! I'm It...
As my friends could attest; I don't follow chain letters, mass postings or even consider answering millions of questions about myself unless I am completely bored out of my mind. Seeing as my schedule has been tight beyond belief with Cheyenne Frontier Days a few days away; boredom has not been part of my life. I do accept the break from my regularly scheduled posting, however and will follow suit...
8 Random Things about Me!
I was tagged by Jennifer at Offbeat Homes. She's such a blogaholic!! And a great inspiration and pretty cool chic. She can also be found at Balance, Hippie Sounds, Office Stuffer, Family Resource, and Pregnancy and Baby. I told you she was a blogaholic, and I just wasn't kidding.
Thank heavens that's over! Now for the real fun part... I get to tag EIGHT of you to do the same! My victims, err... choices are:
Now - my sister had best get with it and reply to this... If she doesn't; I might have to threaten to invade her home and leave my terrorizing "Why" asking son with her for a week. Okay - that just might not be a good threat... hmmm.
8 Random Things about Me!
- I really am not so random. I tend to think everything out, plan and do.
- When I was a Freshman in High School, I wanted to be a lawyer; specializing in child abuse and abandonment.
- I grew up around hundreds of books - a wall with built in shelves from floor to ceiling with books of all kinds.
- I have a sister who is definitely not the youngest most beautiful; but she has one hell of a beautiful heart and soul.
- I dated a "bad boy" who ended up serving a lengthy sentence in prison.
- I ran my own business on line - looking into the unknown and mystical world beyond.
- I've had stitches three times in my life - twice because of surgery and once from falling down a hill.
- I have a brother who is still attached to "daddy" at the hip - - and wallet!
I was tagged by Jennifer at Offbeat Homes. She's such a blogaholic!! And a great inspiration and pretty cool chic. She can also be found at Balance, Hippie Sounds, Office Stuffer, Family Resource, and Pregnancy and Baby. I told you she was a blogaholic, and I just wasn't kidding.
Thank heavens that's over! Now for the real fun part... I get to tag EIGHT of you to do the same! My victims, err... choices are:
- Heath - He's always in need of something else to do in his ever growing busy schedule. :)
- Prozac Place - Because I love lurking there.
- Micheline - One Scrapping Mom
- My Sister - (I'm still the youngest most beautifulest!) And She needs to get busy blogging!
- A Dragaon's Heart - An aspiring writer, with a passion for all things draconic.
- Kappa no He - The mythological and magical world of what comes naturally.
- Alicia Sparks - Mental Health Notes
- Kristen King - One Lively Woman with great insight!
Now - my sister had best get with it and reply to this... If she doesn't; I might have to threaten to invade her home and leave my terrorizing "Why" asking son with her for a week. Okay - that just might not be a good threat... hmmm.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Journaling - Grief Benefit
In the earliest days of my grief, I was unable to formulate a great many of words as to how I felt. I was in such a deep state of shock and disbelief; attempting to hold myself to any normal sense of function and ability to communicate effectively was out of the question. I could sit and write, however, for hours. I didn't care how jumbled or disruptive my writing was; as it was my own.
I progressed through journaling in ways I never thought possible. As time went on, I was able to spend twenty to thirty minutes at a time writing intently on what I was experiencing and the challenges I faced in any given day as a result of being dead brain (shock, sadness, inability to function.) My biggest downfall was finding the ambition to continue journaling on a daily basis. I learned through experience in writing and seeing the benefit in my life, a continued journal would have prompted great strides in my own mourning.
Without the aid of a professional counselor; journaling has been my greatest tool in coping with and understanding the loss I have endured. I suggest that every person, young and old, find a way to journal. It doesn't matter how you journal - through writing, drawing, painting or scribbling. The key to journaling is allowing everything you feel and recognize to be released. The feeling of relief becomes more and more welcomed as journaling continues.
I progressed through journaling in ways I never thought possible. As time went on, I was able to spend twenty to thirty minutes at a time writing intently on what I was experiencing and the challenges I faced in any given day as a result of being dead brain (shock, sadness, inability to function.) My biggest downfall was finding the ambition to continue journaling on a daily basis. I learned through experience in writing and seeing the benefit in my life, a continued journal would have prompted great strides in my own mourning.
Without the aid of a professional counselor; journaling has been my greatest tool in coping with and understanding the loss I have endured. I suggest that every person, young and old, find a way to journal. It doesn't matter how you journal - through writing, drawing, painting or scribbling. The key to journaling is allowing everything you feel and recognize to be released. The feeling of relief becomes more and more welcomed as journaling continues.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Closeness
I've struggled greatly with finding a closeness with people from all walks. The devastating pain I experienced with my son has left a mark on my life that I wouldn't have thought possible. So many people have come into my life and a serious lack of understanding and compassion drives them away with great force.
When I gave birth to my second son, I went through the same process. I truly didn't bond with him until he was nearly a year old. I, however, still went through the processes of motherhood and took it upon myself to consider parenthood a career I had to be successful.
After he passed the age in which my son died; I was able to more readily develop a bond with him; and spend a great deal of time making up for lost time, so to speak. However, days still arise when I feel quite distant in that relationship.
Other relationships that have been negatively impacted are those of a romantic nature. I've sought out a person who was just too wonderful, with standards so incredibly high no person could reach them. I've felt that in order for me to risk being hurt so deeply again; they had best be worth every ounce of pain - unrealistically.
I've remained cold and distant in relationships and when I do cross that line and open myself up; the results are fantastic, magical and intense. However, it does seem that those personal relationships suffer more than they are successful. It's a struggle I face each day currently. I am working on changing that.
It's definitely not a beautiful sight when one sees me in my "Just Leave Me Alone!" moods. If I can make it a week without one of those days, I've accomplished great feats! Now, to see if I can accomplish that this week and build a stronger bond with those around myself.
When I gave birth to my second son, I went through the same process. I truly didn't bond with him until he was nearly a year old. I, however, still went through the processes of motherhood and took it upon myself to consider parenthood a career I had to be successful.
After he passed the age in which my son died; I was able to more readily develop a bond with him; and spend a great deal of time making up for lost time, so to speak. However, days still arise when I feel quite distant in that relationship.
Other relationships that have been negatively impacted are those of a romantic nature. I've sought out a person who was just too wonderful, with standards so incredibly high no person could reach them. I've felt that in order for me to risk being hurt so deeply again; they had best be worth every ounce of pain - unrealistically.
I've remained cold and distant in relationships and when I do cross that line and open myself up; the results are fantastic, magical and intense. However, it does seem that those personal relationships suffer more than they are successful. It's a struggle I face each day currently. I am working on changing that.
It's definitely not a beautiful sight when one sees me in my "Just Leave Me Alone!" moods. If I can make it a week without one of those days, I've accomplished great feats! Now, to see if I can accomplish that this week and build a stronger bond with those around myself.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Blame
When you face a death, it is easy to post blame anywhere you can. In my situation, I've oftentimes blamed myself for the death of my son. That in it-self has been an uphill battle.
My son died to SIDS. It has continued to be a painful situation. I felt such great blame for not waking up sooner, not offering him one more bottle before bed; having co-slept I even blamed myself for possibly suffocating him. Some moments are better than others are; however I will still occasionally think about him sleeping in my bed with me just feet away, as the reason for his death.
The morning I found him; I recall John (from the funeral home) coming in to take his body. I looked at him and begged that he find an answer as to why my son died. I needed some reasoning and proof; anything that would answer the millions of questions I had going through my mind. He asked if I wanted an autopsy done; I jumped and said yes.
It was weeks after Reiley's funeral that I finally received a copy of his death certificate as well as his autopsy report. I read it from front to back numerous times. There was nothing. His organs were fine, all measuring and weighing appropriately. His lungs were clear. His brain fully developed for his age. Absolutely nothing that could have caused any doubt in my mind that it was "just his time." Nonetheless, I still blamed myself. I still questioned and have continued to question if there was a single event that set the ball rolling for his death to come to fruition.
I looked at the death certificate; wondering if there was an answer there. Again, I found nothing. His cause of death listed was Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
I couldn't believe that my son was gone from my life for one and for two, that there really was no reasoning behind his death. At least with every death I had dealt with previously; there was a reason. This death and the grieving process associated with it has been most difficult without having an understanding as to why he died.
This is the first time I have even discussed the self-blame that I have been through over the past seven years, three months and two days. The prison I've held myself hostage in equates to Two-Thousand, Six-Hundred and forty nine days (2,649).
In that time, I've found no answer, none, nothing, nada and zip. Yet, somehow, I still find a way to blame myself. Perhaps the psychologist within me should do an examination and determine the best course to change that aspect.
So yes, along with the blame I placed on myself for my son's death, I've also had to battle with issues of self-worth and self-esteem. All of those factors are directly related. If I didn't hold myself accountable for Reiley's death; I wouldn't feel so poorly about myself and my esteem would then be good as well as my value of worth, in my minds eye.
Death brings with it many emotions and countless barriers one must overcome. The grieving process, while challenging, can be more difficult that the griever could imagine. It certainly has been in my life, all because of a little blame.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Helping
I will never forget the day my sister decided to help me after Reiley died. I don't recall where I had been, but I remember coming through the front door and my sister mentioned that she had bagged up some of Reiley's things.
I must have stood there with a blank stare as I couldn't respond. I felt as though I was being cheated of closing that chapter of my life myself. I was his mother and it was up to me to bag and box up his things without anyone else interfering with that process.
I was angry, instantly irate. I don't remember if I yelled or screamed or even said anything. I don't recall if I broke down into tears; but I do know that I held onto a great deal of resentment towards my sister for quite some time following.
Helping to clear out someone's possessions after they die is far from helping the person the loss most greatly impacts. Unless asked for assistance in doing so, just offer to be a support instead of taking the initiative to do so yourself.
I must have stood there with a blank stare as I couldn't respond. I felt as though I was being cheated of closing that chapter of my life myself. I was his mother and it was up to me to bag and box up his things without anyone else interfering with that process.
I was angry, instantly irate. I don't remember if I yelled or screamed or even said anything. I don't recall if I broke down into tears; but I do know that I held onto a great deal of resentment towards my sister for quite some time following.
Helping to clear out someone's possessions after they die is far from helping the person the loss most greatly impacts. Unless asked for assistance in doing so, just offer to be a support instead of taking the initiative to do so yourself.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Sayings that mean nothing...
There have been many times when I've been told one thing or another and it means absolutely nothing to me in regards to he losses I've experienced. The following list are phrases that should be avoided when discussing a loss.
When you first hear of a loss, offer a welcomed hug and simply state "I'm here for you." and mean it.
- I'm sorry.
- There is nothing you can do to bring a person back. You can't be sorry for something that you have absolutely no control over.
- I guess that would be harder than losing _____.
- Hopefully you will never know the difficulties that arise with a loss of great magnitude.
- God has a plan.
- While most of us will come to grips with our loss in our own time, many will be angry at God for taking their loved one away. It's great that you are trying to instill a positive message, but it really is not the appropriate time for that particular message.
- It's probably for the better.
- It doesn't matter the circumstances to any loss, experiencing a death and having someone leave your life isn't better for anyone.
- Just give yourself time.
- While those who have gone through deaths before know that the pain does get easier with time, someone experiencing it for the first time isn't going to believe that. The bereaved know what they are feeling at that moment in time and generally don't feel that the pain they feel will lessen at all.
- I understand.
- Unless you have personally experienced the same loss; please don't say that you understand. You may understand the general process of grieving; but you won't fully understand the grief that is being experienced today.
- It's just the cycle of life.
- If you are over the age of 6; it's common to know that all life must come to an end; but please don't state the obvious. Emotions run rampant, especially in the early stages of grief.
Allow the one who is grieving to express what they are feeling as the moment arises. If you knew the person who passed; share in fond memories of that person. Sharing and listening will give you a much stronger relationship bond with the bereaved. You might not know it, but that one thoughtful action could keep someone who is emotionally distraught in that manner from attempting suicide.
When you first hear of a loss, offer a welcomed hug and simply state "I'm here for you." and mean it.
Ever Evolving and Repeating
Going through the grieving process is ever evolving and constantly changing. We cycle through various aspects of grief countless times in our lives. While time does take away the painful sting of the loss; it never fully goes away.
Holidays after Reiley died were challenging to say the least. I remember the years following his death (5 years time) I didn't care to celebrate any holiday. Christmas especially. I wasn't out purchasing gifts for him and would pull myself away from everyone around. I was truly a humbug during the holidays and at times still fall into that mode even after having another child three years ago.
I often find myself remembering the only holidays I was able to share with Reiley and focus so intently on that year; the weeks prior to any holiday leave me feeling overwhelmed, saddened, discouraged and angry. I still have to work on those holidays with much consciousness to be capable of surviving them.
From about Mid-March to April 9 every year I relived the loss of my son continuously. I face nightmares that never seem to cease. I have a difficult time sleeping and withdraw from the world around me all over again. The emotions I feel (so many I'm unable to state them all) reach their peek on April 9 and after that day is over; the 10th brings with it a renewed sense of self and ability to focus on my own life in the present.
These are all issues I go through on a regular basis and have since Reiley died in 2000. It is a constant struggle to remain focused on my life and not disappear from society - much less my family.
Holidays after Reiley died were challenging to say the least. I remember the years following his death (5 years time) I didn't care to celebrate any holiday. Christmas especially. I wasn't out purchasing gifts for him and would pull myself away from everyone around. I was truly a humbug during the holidays and at times still fall into that mode even after having another child three years ago.
I often find myself remembering the only holidays I was able to share with Reiley and focus so intently on that year; the weeks prior to any holiday leave me feeling overwhelmed, saddened, discouraged and angry. I still have to work on those holidays with much consciousness to be capable of surviving them.
From about Mid-March to April 9 every year I relived the loss of my son continuously. I face nightmares that never seem to cease. I have a difficult time sleeping and withdraw from the world around me all over again. The emotions I feel (so many I'm unable to state them all) reach their peek on April 9 and after that day is over; the 10th brings with it a renewed sense of self and ability to focus on my own life in the present.
These are all issues I go through on a regular basis and have since Reiley died in 2000. It is a constant struggle to remain focused on my life and not disappear from society - much less my family.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Reiley
I gave birth to a six week premature boy on August 13, 1999. He was amazingly strong, yet so tiny; weighing in at five pounds even. I brought him home and loved him deeply. I ensured every need was met all the while caring for my mother who was terminally ill and my fifteen year old brother.
April 8, 2000; I came home only to find my mom in respiratory failure. She was rushed to the emergency room and approximately six hours later, was stabilized. The day continued; though lacking sleep. We ate dinner and stopped off at the hospital and visited with my mom. Upon returning home; we prepped for bed and soon after went to sleep.
The morning of April 10 arrived rather quickly. My brother, Nick, opted to ride his bike to school that morning instead of waking me to give him a ride. I heard the door shut to the garage and leaped out of bed as Reiley hadn't stirred all night. My heart sank, adrenaline pumping throughout my body, praying that my worst fears were not true; I turned on the light to see my son. I picked him up, feeling his cold body and screamed louder than I had ever screamed in my life.
I grabbed a phone and while dialing 9-1-1, began CPR on Reiley. When the officers arrived, they asked if I wanted to continue resuscitation. I begged for their help at that point, losing what sense of control I still felt. They took a stethoscope to his chest, and stood there, shaking their heads and doing nothing more.
I sank, began weeping and the only thing I wanted was my mom. I wanted for her to make it better; erase the day that began so tragically, most of all, bring my son back to my arms so I could see his beautiful blue eyes sparkling, listen to his crack-me-up laugh and feel his slobbery kisses once more.
It has been just over seven years since Reiley left my loving arms and transcended beyond. I have spent months out of the years longing for his presence, yearning to have him close again and all the while, failing to live.
This week I will spend writing and discussing various issues I've faced and overcome after losing an infant so prematurely.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
The week caught up with me
I've devoted large amounts of time and energy into writing this week. Hours upon hours of researching and writing finally caught up with my body and has left its tired streak. I worked last night and hardly slept a wink with so many thoughts racing through my mind. I awoke much too early; about 6:30 am, having only placed my head on the pillow about three hours prior.
My day has been spent in a zombie like state; unable to focus the majority of the day. I am longing for the opportunity to catch up on my much needed rest come Monday; a precious day off calling my name.
A long night is before me; having to find my way there by 9 pm. I'm thankful, however, that it is Saturday; allowing for the opportunity to wear something other than black skirts and shirts. There's a bit more comfort in denim; especially when working in a bar.
With that, I do believe it is farewell until tomorrow. Another day awaits; one that hopefully contains some much needed rest and relaxation prior to my next lengthy shift.
My day has been spent in a zombie like state; unable to focus the majority of the day. I am longing for the opportunity to catch up on my much needed rest come Monday; a precious day off calling my name.
A long night is before me; having to find my way there by 9 pm. I'm thankful, however, that it is Saturday; allowing for the opportunity to wear something other than black skirts and shirts. There's a bit more comfort in denim; especially when working in a bar.
With that, I do believe it is farewell until tomorrow. Another day awaits; one that hopefully contains some much needed rest and relaxation prior to my next lengthy shift.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Household Chores; are they equal?
An interesting discussion developed with some great parenting friends recently concerning how household chores are divided with partners. The curiosity was spiked when one mom moved from working to stay at home status and her husband felt that since she was home, the household chores were her responsibility.
In my household, the chores are largely unbalanced. I work outside of the home four nights a week, leaving my son in his care for six to eleven hours on those nights. I am also actively writing a minimum of three hours per day, every day to further my career goals in a writing field. A checklist of chores most often completed one way or the other follows.
Vacuuming: Me
Dusting: Me
Bathroom: Me
Dishes: Him
Sweeping: Me
Mopping: Me
Garbage: Him
Laundry: Me
Meals: About 50/50
Grocery Shopping: Me
Bedroom: Me
Child's room: My son, Jaden
At this point, he is working on his enlistment into the National Guard, however is not working otherwise. I spent between 22 and 37 hours per week at work outside of the home and an additional 20-40 hours per week on writing and researching. The balance in my own household is extremely unbalanced. How does the balancing act measure in your household?
In my household, the chores are largely unbalanced. I work outside of the home four nights a week, leaving my son in his care for six to eleven hours on those nights. I am also actively writing a minimum of three hours per day, every day to further my career goals in a writing field. A checklist of chores most often completed one way or the other follows.
Vacuuming: Me
Dusting: Me
Bathroom: Me
Dishes: Him
Sweeping: Me
Mopping: Me
Garbage: Him
Laundry: Me
Meals: About 50/50
Grocery Shopping: Me
Bedroom: Me
Child's room: My son, Jaden
At this point, he is working on his enlistment into the National Guard, however is not working otherwise. I spent between 22 and 37 hours per week at work outside of the home and an additional 20-40 hours per week on writing and researching. The balance in my own household is extremely unbalanced. How does the balancing act measure in your household?
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Why It Matters!
It's nothing new to hear someone around the corner of the office complaining about the way America is being run. It seems more often, strong views against political leaders finds its way into conversation. Why should you care if the President opts to start a war? That answer is simple; the impact of one decision can effect everything in your life.
By following the guidelines below, you will be one step above the crowd when it comes to voting. Take the opportunity to learn about those running for all political offices; locally and nationally. Knowledge is power so rather than complain to the person working beside you, place the power into your own hands and make a difference.
Knowing Platforms:
The first step to making any decision about an official in office is to know their platforms. You need to know where they stand on the important issues in your life. If you are all for environmental reform, you wouldn't want to vote someone in office who is for increasing the amounts of Carbon released into the atmosphere. The same principal can be followed with every issue that will impact your life and those of your family.
A great place to start when looking at the candidates locally as well as nationally is: On The Issues. They cover topics from abortions and environment to war and peace, with everything in between. For the political beginner; this site will give you a wealth of information to assist you in making the right choice for you.
Register to Vote:
Before you can claim any right to talking negatively about any official in office, you must register to vote if you have not yet done so. Each state has their own guidelines on the registration process; many allow voters to print and mail off a form. Be forewarned, however, if you move to a different county, chances are you will have to register in that county and pull your registration from your previous county of residence.
You can find where to register to vote through a very convenient website. Activote contains information about every state and the counties current registration processes and locations. The drawback to this site, however, is that it can be slow loading. Be patient and the information will be a click away.
Vote:
Learn where and when you can vote. There is information that can be found on Activote about the primary elections including the dates. Be apprised of local elections and when they are held throughout the year. It doesn't take much effort to find that information.
If you are going to take the initiative to complain about those holding office, the least you can do is follow their platforms, be registered to vote and vote! Make a difference instead of badgering your friends, family and coworkers with unsubstantiated thoughts and views.
By following the guidelines below, you will be one step above the crowd when it comes to voting. Take the opportunity to learn about those running for all political offices; locally and nationally. Knowledge is power so rather than complain to the person working beside you, place the power into your own hands and make a difference.
Knowing Platforms:
The first step to making any decision about an official in office is to know their platforms. You need to know where they stand on the important issues in your life. If you are all for environmental reform, you wouldn't want to vote someone in office who is for increasing the amounts of Carbon released into the atmosphere. The same principal can be followed with every issue that will impact your life and those of your family.
A great place to start when looking at the candidates locally as well as nationally is: On The Issues. They cover topics from abortions and environment to war and peace, with everything in between. For the political beginner; this site will give you a wealth of information to assist you in making the right choice for you.
Register to Vote:
Before you can claim any right to talking negatively about any official in office, you must register to vote if you have not yet done so. Each state has their own guidelines on the registration process; many allow voters to print and mail off a form. Be forewarned, however, if you move to a different county, chances are you will have to register in that county and pull your registration from your previous county of residence.
You can find where to register to vote through a very convenient website. Activote contains information about every state and the counties current registration processes and locations. The drawback to this site, however, is that it can be slow loading. Be patient and the information will be a click away.
Vote:
Learn where and when you can vote. There is information that can be found on Activote about the primary elections including the dates. Be apprised of local elections and when they are held throughout the year. It doesn't take much effort to find that information.
If you are going to take the initiative to complain about those holding office, the least you can do is follow their platforms, be registered to vote and vote! Make a difference instead of badgering your friends, family and coworkers with unsubstantiated thoughts and views.
Water: The Dangerous Substance
The warm months bring about a desire for many to go fishing, camping and hiking. More often than not, when selecting a place to go hiking or camping, bodies of water are included. Combining hours of great fun, a few drinks, many distractions and children around water can be a deadly combination.
" For every child 14 years and younger who dies from drowning in 2004, five receive emergency department care for nonfatal submersion injuries. More than half of these children were hospitalized or transferred to another facility for treatment (CDC 2006)"
A few suggestions for keeping your time in the sun fun and safe:
" For every child 14 years and younger who dies from drowning in 2004, five receive emergency department care for nonfatal submersion injuries. More than half of these children were hospitalized or transferred to another facility for treatment (CDC 2006)"
A few suggestions for keeping your time in the sun fun and safe:
- Always keep your children within an arms reach when around water.
- Avoid drinking alcohol.
- Use life vests on all children.
- Learn and know CPR in the event of an emergency.
- Remember that YOU are the lifeguard when your children are playing in water.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Freelancing Tips
In the course of expanding my own writing venues; I've come across one site in particular that proves to be useful in seeking out leads. Craigslist has hundreds of ads placed in countless cities. New York, California, and Florida have been shown to be the hottest states for leads thus far. Don't limit yourself in seeking out job opportunities. Keep at it and work on it each and every day.
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